Everything's Gone Brown

I Mystic tanned for the first time ever tonight. I wasn't aware that snot could be tanned. Until now.

It's Always Darkest Before the Dawn

Yes. Less than 8 years ago, I looked like this. No, it's not a wig.

Sometimes I Like Shoes

I don't usually spend an inordinate amount of time thinking about clothing (in that I mean I know what I like, buy it and shut up about it), but I just bought these shoes and think they are uber sexy! Are they appropriate to wear to a wedding? That's my plan.

I've Heard of Cooking WITH Gas but...

On the way to the cottage we passed a restaurant called "The Dutch Oven". Let's just hope the food is a lot better than the name implies.

Indian Summer

Just spent an amazing weekend with Tom and 2 other couples at the cottage. Absolute bliss. The weather was amazing, the liquor ample and basically we had the best time. Unfortunately, all this lazy fun has made my brain rather lazy too, so other than telling you where I have been, I have little to say at the moment. I know I will later though.

Dude looks like a subnormal word

I seem to have picked up the habit of using the word dude. Not when speaking to people, but when typing or leaving messages on message boards. It's not the smartest sounding word.

If you only knew how many of the words in this post I had to retype, you would think I was dyslexic.

Back From The Dead

Yay! Robert at Robert's Journal finally posted a new story! Am I simple minded for enjoying it so much?

Knock Knock, Who's There

A rather hot guy to free my keys from my car. Almost makes it worth it. The stupidity of locking them in the car in the first place I mean.

Oh, and I picked up an awesome 3D picture of the Last Supper. Can't go wrong with that shit. Maybe I'll show it to you later.

In the old days, you were a celebrity because you were good at something

*This may very well be one of the most vacuous posts I've made.

So Paris Hilton has "written" a book. And is "recording" an album. And will be "acting" in a film or two. It would be annoying to see this dingbat doing things that honest to god talents struggle to do for years and sometimes never accomplish except for the fact that with this girl, any actual action word used in regards to her belongs in parentheses and thus illuminates what a joke it really is. OH, except for the word spending. That is one word that definitely works for her.

I've noticed that it seems to be somewhat in vogue to actually say "I like Paris Hilton". She has this little girl routine she pulls out to seem naive and likeable, that much is obvious, and I'm sure Daddy reinforced the usefulness of said routine. I don't personally have anything against her, but I don't respect anything she does and I'm not so shallow as to pretend I admire her and hope some of her pseudo "fabulousness" rubs off on me as a result. She'd have money anyway, so why does she bother pretending to be good at anything other than spending that money? I find her and her pal Nicole and their stupid little show phony and crass. I like crass mind you, but not the phony put on kind that these girls have. There is just no sincerity there, and as a result it's not funny, it's just painfully rude and there is a big difference. They should know better; trying too hard is always a bad thing.

"I think we're living in a moment when having a career, especially a really glamorous one, is very sexy." - Paris Hilton

Yes, I wish I picked my jobs because they were sexy. What a life.

"Do you work?" "Why yes, right now I do, because as you know, having a career is very sexy" "Oh, of course darling, I know what you mean. Why just last week I took a job as an actress." "Oh my, How very sexy" "Yes, very, very sexy" *wink*......

Maybe next week it will be sexy to help the less fortunate although I'm voting for shutting the fuck up and going away for awhile as sexiest of all.

The Gods Conspire Against Me

It's morning. I've been up since 6 am. I shouldn't even be here anymore. Here's the thing. My keys, they are in my car. Without me. And the doors are locked. I seem to get stupider with each passing day. I can't afford emergency lock service. This means I must wait around until someone manages to get here and free my keys/let me in. I am missing work. This makes the key rescue even less affordable.

Is someone trying to tell me something? I have had continuous troubles making it to this photographic job since I took it. I have gotten lost (and badly) twice, been sent to the wrong area once, and now this. That is 4 incidents in 6 days or more than half the time. Is this job wrong for me then? The stress I have felt since I took it is off the scale, due mostly to these fuckups. I'm thinking they are going to start to think I am just a slacker since seriously, who has this kind of continual bad luck? Then I tell myself "who cares". Because really, it's not the end of the world, I'll live to see another day, and it's not worth raising my blood pressure over.

I'll be happy to have those damn keys in my hand again though.

I Dream Of Clean, Of a Home Pristine

Somebody help me. I actually use my coffee mugs as ashtrays when I'm done with the coffee. It would seem my aim in ashing is lacking.

Deep Inside The Forest

Yeah. I'm dating Grizzly Adams.

Sometimes I'd like to punch you in the mouth just to keep you from talking so loud

Am I negative? Maybe. I prefer to think of it as realistic. I really hate it (uh oh, negativity) when people tell you that making any kind of less than rosy statement is negative. Well, yeah of course it is, but then again, life has negatives in it, and anyone who pretends it does not is fooling themselves and is therefore a fool.

I am the kind of person who can switch from being extremely social to wanting everyone to go away. In some people's eyes, this is wrong. I think it's healthy, because if you need to be around others constantly, you probably have some issues with yourself and your ability to be alone with yourself. I mean, if you can't take your own company, what kind of companion to others can you really be?

This is probably the main thing I hate about office jobs, which is why I will never do one again. You have no choice but to be social, day in and day out. This is what causes people to become phony (because of course, you simply cannot have a bad day in the office) and annoying. It's the source of pointless small talk ("sunny isn't it?" or "Do you like this font?") and insincere concern. I just can't stand it. I suppose some people thrive on it, but that always gives me the feeling that their minds are rather small. I mean I have to be honest here, and maybe I'm the only one. The "friendships" you form in a work environment are rarely genuine. If you leave the job, it's also rare to take the friendship with you.

I suppose that is why I like blogging. It is social in the sense that it affords some level of interaction, yet it also allows me to be alone with myself.

"Confidence is the key to great acts of courage."

Yeah and confidence is the key to cocky fuckers who never shut up about their supposed accomplishments. I hate motivational posters. They are designed for companies to hang up in order to make you feel guilty for having a bad attitude about your job and nothing else. Who cares if you have confidence? It still doesn't mean you are any less likely to lose your job to an Indian.

How To Grow A Huge Ass

Just drove over to the bank to get some money out for Pizza. I can see the bank from my window. Uh huh.

Neglecting Myself

I've noticed that when I am doing photographs for other people, I really don't feel like doing them for myself. That is all.

Waking Up Again

Today I feel a little more with it, lugging around all the photographic equipment everyday has been murder. It feels like all I have been doing this week is working, which I guess I have except for our outing to the strip club the other night. I have to admit, that was not very exciting either; the girls seemed so bored, which of course they are, although my boyfriend and his friend would rather not believe that. My boyfriend had a dream that I fooled around with one of his roommates and my excuse was "well once I get started, I can't stop". Needless to say, said roommate and I have been ribbing him about it ever since. These are the kind of dreams you should probably keep to yourself.

Montreal was good although I think one night we nearly suffocated ourselves by sleeping in the back of the truck with no windows open. I woke up gasping for breath, sweating like a hog and fumbling for the window. But yeah, other than nearly dying, we had a pretty good time.

I just want to mention that photographing teenagers is actually quite annoying. I have forgotten what it was like to be 16 thinking I'm the hot shit. Now I'm 36 and think I'm the hot shit, but at least I've got the years behind me to back up the claim.

ZZZZZ

I'm back, the trip was good but I've photographed nearly 1000 people in the last two daysso I'm not gonna talk about it yet and I am aching and so tired it's not funny so now I will go to my bed and sleep for a bit and will maybe write something tomorrow.

Poutine, Poutine and more Poutine

We're doing a little road trip to Montreal, the boyfriend and I, so I won't be around for the weekend. We're leaving in a couple of hours. My house is so messy I'd actually be embarrassed if someone broke in to rob me, although clearly that's not enough motivation for me to actually clean it. I'm so disorganized it's not funny. I hope everyone (especially you, D) gets laid this weekend.

Later.

Urination - When You're a Nation Under Attack

Sometimes the result of really great sex is a really harsh bladder infection.

The most common despair is ... not choosing, or willing, to be oneself

*thanks to Vadergrrrl for the thought provoking post that inspired this.

I created the image above many months ago when feeling particularly frustrated. I recall I had listened to an infuriating discussion some men were having about women and their sexuality. It came to mind again yesterday because of a post I read on a blog and a message board on Yahoo.

I don't know if any of you ever go on the Yahoo Message Boards; sometimes I do. It seems whenever there is a topic about anything sexual, most men begin to bash the women. Words like slut, whore, golddigger, bitch... you name it, are thrown about with glee. I sometimes wonder if men realize what a disservice they are doing THEMSELVES by behaving this way.

Personally, I enjoy sex. I don't use sexuality as a means of controlling a man or getting my way. I like to think that sex is something two people (or more if that's your thing!) do for any number of reasons, be it love, lust, release... I've never understood why women's sexuality is so threatening until I thought about it and decided it is because some MEN have given women a power, whether they realize it or not, and this power is an unhealthy one that often backfires.

The majority of men who seem to bash women also seem to be the same men who pick up women via flashy cars, money, bragging... essentially buying a woman's time. Is it so difficult for them to realize then that you get what you pay for? What you put out in the world is what you receive back? That if you portray yourself as materialistic and shallow, that's probably what is going to come to you? That if you have decided you will only date women who look like Playboy models and don't have any particular interests that conflict with YOUR desires, then that is EXACTLY what you will get? And why don't men realize that this type of association is A LOT more demanding and tedious than dealing with a woman who has her own identity, not one based on Men's supposed desires? Women perceive this sort of attitude and often feel they have to behave in a defensive (read: bitch) like manner in order to stay above water. And men have helped encourage women to use sex as a commodity, something to give in exchange for the money, gifts and time. No wonder then that if you get it from some women, they feel entitled to these things, sex has become an item of trade beyond the world of prostitution.

In this way some men have also helped create the very golddiggers they profess to hate. Don't advertise the car, money and job if you want to attract a woman interested in more than those things. If that IS what you do, don't complain when you get THE VERY THING YOU ASKED FOR.

Let's clear something else up too. Women who have sex are not uniformly tainted, dirty, messed up... they are human. Women who have sex with no remorse and no guilt are not whores, they are healthy and probably a lot more rational than a woman who let's you presumably "coerce" her into sex, or who won't have sex with you until you have delivered an adequate number of benefits (money, car, etc.).

I could go on and on and on here, but I think you get the point. If more men could embrace female sexuality and chill out with the negative terminology for women, we could all get a long a whole lot better. I mean somewhere under there you actually do like us, right?

Dolly Dervish

Another version of the Dolly photo, poor little Dolly is spinning out of control, much like we all do sometimes. I like to think it's because of the dichotomy between her religion and her desires. Yes, even dollies get back stories made up for them!

Oh Where, Oh Where has my little Doll gone?

Because I am such a slob/packrat, my home is actually really fun to dig through because I find all kinds of things I had forgotten about. Dolly in this picture is one of those things, or rather her photograph is. I got distracted after taking the photo and left her there. I hope someone gave her a good home.

Walking through the Park and Reminiscing

OK FIRST: THIS POST IS OLD GUYS! Why are you always visiting this page instead of my new posts? Go ahead, click on the blog name at the top and get up to date for crying out loud!

Whatever happened to:

Agree Shampoo
The furniture from the Friendly Giant
Koo Koo candy
AquaNet Hairspray

Are these things only missing in Canada? (Other than the Friendly Giant furniture of course which seems to be just plain missing)...

and does anyone still use:

Hot Oil Treatment on their hair (the kind in the tubes from the drugstore)

Do you think there is a drag queen out there who goes by the name Maxi Pad?

But Oh What An Hour Can Do...

And so I get ready to go see the man. My nose looks fucked up. Oh well, see, it's still the same day. I think maybe my blog has had enough of me at this point, so my next posts will not feature any of my mug. Somehow though, posting pics of yourself seems to irritate people, or rather some women and the odd guy (why are you reading BLOGS then for chrissakes?), and that makes it fun for me.

Now, I need a coffee, and then I need some sexin'. ; )

Time Time Time, See What's Become Of Me

Here's a pic from today (Sept. 6, 2004) with NO flash, NO makeup, a HUGE hangover and possibly a couple of ZITS.

Am I ugly enough (and old enough looking) to be taken seriously now?

On The Wings Of An Ostrich, You Won't Get Very Far

I finally had a chance to really listen to some of my friend Bill's music last night. One lyric really stood out to me:

"I'm an ostrich
dreaming of the flying my anatomy's denying me."

I love it. I had no idea Bill was so brilliant.

Twinks, Poppets and Assorted Has- Beens

I woke up this morning feeling judgmental. Perhaps it's because of the scrutiny I have been receiving these past few days? I'd like it a lot more if that scrutiny were happening in say, US magazine rather than my lameass blog but whatever.

We went out for the first time in months last night, my friends and I. The boyfriend wanted to go to a Stag and Doe, but I really was not in the mood for that and decided to do my own thing. So what do we do? We drag our asses to the tiredest old gay club in town. I suppose because we probably fit under the title of Has Been (or in my case a Never Been, since I'm not gay), that might explain why we find it tired, but honestly, I think when it's done it's done, and the new meat just simply hasn't realized how totally out of step the place is. This barbeque lost it's sizzle seasons ago.

You know how on T.V. the gay folk know all the best places to go and listen to the best new music you've never heard before (O.K. so maybe not on Will and Grace except for maybe Jack and Karen, actually they really should just suffocate Will and Grace in their sleep and take over but I digress) and wear the latest fashions or at least the craziest ones? Not happening here. This place is full of tired people (seriously, even the 19 year olds look worn and defeated) praising one another up and down through Aveda bronzer and runny eyeliner even as they fall into each other and realize they have already slept with anyone even remotely doable. The twinks are so jaded they let the 65 year old pervert who's suppose to be at the track with the boys feel their drunk little asses and buy them watery rum and cokes all for the promise of a lick and rub and the poppets stagger around in heels 2 sizes too small dreaming of performing on stage even though I've never seen one of them do a lick more than mouth the words. The sadness of lost or never achieved fabulousness and validity is so heavy in the air you could slice a chunk of it and rub it in as body lotion, but who wants to cover themselves in that? Apparently a good number of us it would seem.

I make no illusions about the fact that the minute we walked through the door we also made the same sad statement "love me please, I still count". The only difference is, we don't mean it, or at least we are aware that it is a statement that will go unadressed here. I guess it's time to find a new bar, apparently there are a few in this city. Straight bars are not an option because a. I can't stand being harrassed at them and b. The boys don't want to put up with the potential grief and c. They are even worse as far as environment and patrons and I won't even begin to get into that.

So hey, Hamilton Gay Bar that will remain unnamed but you know who you are. Did you know they have made music since Whitney and LeAnn Rimes cranked out a few hits? Did anyone tell you you are not obliged to play every dance remix ever developed around a tired old Celine Dion song? And you young boys, if you're gonna wear makeup make it count, do it up good, otherwise contrary to popular belief, you just end up looking like a weird weatherman/muppet. Seriously.

Of course, after I smoked a joint, the night got a bit better. Except I ended up ordering two hard taco supremes, a meximelt, cheesefries, and a steak fajita from Taco Bell afterwards. I couldn't even eat half of it, but I tried, oh how I tried. If it's a toss up between beauty and gorging, the gorging is going to win every time.

P.S. D, I'm jealous of those Bettie Page fridge magnets you bought. I must have them too.

Can You See The Real Me?

I had an interesting comment from someone who visited. The comment was not exactly negative, but it did seem to imply that perhaps I was more (and less) than I appear to be here. I wanted to address it. They raised a good point. I DO seem to favor my left profile. Perhaps it is because I have a huge oozing pustule that will never go away on my right cheek? But really, this pic here is of my right profile just to prove that I really do have two sides to my head. I'm left handed which means when photographing myself, it only makes sense it would be from the left.

Yes, I REALLY AM 36 years old. This does not mean that I post photos of myself from ten years ago. I look MUCH BETTER now then I did in my twenties by far (look at the head on me for god's sake!). My photos ARE recent (as my friends can attest to) and I usually take a new one every few days and put it up. So no mirage, I can't help it if I look young for my age and really now, 36 is not that old. I'm a lifelong avoider of the sun and believe me, that helps A LOT! I have an overall young looking family as well, so genetically, I guess I have lucked out. Does all this make me vain? Maybe, but I'm also into photography and enjoy myself as subject, it's easy and gives me a steady stream of photographs to work with.

I'm hardly posh, although I suppose THAT is a persona I am able to put on. As far as being accessible to only the gorgeous and tragic, well tragic is a trait I'm drawn to, and there is a certain beauty to be seen in that, but standard beauty means little to me at all, and rarely am I drawn to it.

The last point I wanted to address is the fact that he interpreted the other comments here as some sort of fawning flirtation. I can't speak to that perfectly, because I do not know everyone who posts here and I certainly do not know their motivation, although this is not a dating forum, so it is irrelevent regardless of what is posted. I DO know that a lot of the people who read this are gay, so I highly doubt they have any true ulterior motives, it just would not make sense. So yeah, anyway, thanks for your comments, you gave me something to write about today!

To The Guy Upstairs

Why does your phone ring every 5 minutes ALL DAMN DAY LONG?
Why can I HEAR IT every time it rings?
WHAT will they say when they find you with the cord wrapped around your neck?

There was Bacon, There was Coffee

Ate breakfast, which is NOT something I normally do. It always makes me feel sick and generally wants to exit via either the north or south doors rather soon after arriving.

I tend to have panic attacks once September rolls around. I guess it always represents change to me, and apparently I am not someone who likes change, though I always thought I was. It depresses me every time my friend Glenn leaves to go back to Korea at the end of August, the smell of Fall is clearly in the air and makes me want to scream, even the days look different when I wake up and peek out the window. AND I CAN'T STOP IT DAMMIT and I feel like I should be able to you know?