Ta-Whit, Ta-Whit, Ta-Whoo....

I was thinking about when I was in Brownies and we had this glow in the dark paint and I remember thinking how cool it was except I don't think we used the word cool then, I don't know what word we used but you get the meaning. I was obsessed with being scared so I made everyone paint scary ghost pictures with the paint and then we turned off the lights and crawled under a table and showed our pictures and they were not scary because our art skills sucked and everything looked like a big happy balloon with a big wide O mouth and that's not even scary at all.

Then we went upstairs to the old lady church sale and I bought a bar of soap inside a cat body that had been crocheted or some other yarn/thread art form and it was the best thing ever and was yellow and I never used the soap because I would have felt guilty cutting it out of the cat body. I wonder what happened to it.

Brownies sucked and I got only 2 badges and quit because I was embarrassed to dance around singing about being a Leprechaun and also because my mother wouldn't buy me the accessories like the change purse.

HEY BROWNIES! THIS IS FOR YOU!

Yesterday

they hosted the Homeless Olympics in the park next to my building. Apparently the 3 top prizes were large, medium and small coffees. They had over 100 entries. This sort of raggedy lady won top prize, but I'm suspicious of her homeless status because she had on really expensive running shoes and in my books that is the equivalent of steroid use in the regular olympics. I'm pretty sure that 2nd and 3rd place winners were rightfully pissed off because hey, there's a big difference in those coffee sizes and cheating sucks.

I might be lying about this.

I've Been Having Bad Dreams Lately

I'm Glad I Work Late Today

They are shooting a romance novel cover at work today. Many of the women are excited and giddy at the thought of a semi-naked buff man cavorting in the barns with a horse. The poor guy will probably be afraid of the horse and won't pay them the slightest bit of attention. I wonder how much he is paid to look like such a Donk? I considered going in early only to try to get a pic of the activities for this blog but I really doubt I'd be allowed to, so I won't bother. It's just weird. And women are weird. I didn't realize they actually seriously went in for that stuff. And got excited by it. If he looks even remotely like Fabio, that ups the vomit factor.

On a completely different note, I burned my finger on the toaster oven. Notable only because it didn't really burn it so much as cook a small section of skin. It's strange looking but doesn't hurt.

Gotta Love Vinyl

Here are a couple of records we bought over the weekend, simply for the covers.


I don't really understand it, and the girl on the right looks like she has Missy Elliot's head superimposed on her to me. This is from 1978. These poor girls appeared in that godawful Village People movie which is not surprising as the composer and producer of this album is Jacques Morali.


Boney M never fail to have over the top album covers, and this one is no exception. Check out their surfing style! You can tell they are seasoned wave riders!

Inside the album it seems they have reached their destination and are VERY fortunate to have that big strong Neptune of a man to protect them!

His boots are a fabulous underwater accessory, no?

This last one couldn't be anymore whitebread if it tried. Can you imagine this guy possibly having any more fun than he is having right here? I can't!

Yep, this is an album of Bird Dance tracks. It will never be played, but Whitey Whiterton will be looked at often and with fondness. I do appreciate the rather perverted looking chicken in the background too. Dig those Adidas. I guess they couldn't afford the whole costume.

So Tired

Sometimes when you go to take a picture, the camera just does some interesting things simply because you did not take the time to make sure the settings were all ok for the given light conditions.

Too bad I look so tired, but it's a pretty accurate depiction of how I have been looking these days, and I say why try to hide the truth...If I could walk around bathed in odd blue light, I might be able to get away with it.

Sunday Dinner

I actually roasted a FUCKING chicken last night, with stuffing and everything, (everything meaning gravy,potatoes and corn) and it came out great, I mean cooked just right, juicy and with the skin all crispy and really just Sunday dinner perfection. For half a moment I felt like some kind of 50's era perfect mom/wife hybrid until the realization that balancing plates on top of the egg carton/margarine container/lunch dishes in order to load them up with this supposed excellent dinner doesn't make me a great homemaker/cook like Mrs. Cleaver but more like a big fat messy ass slob who happened to shove a chicken in the oven for the right number of minutes.

Those dishes are waiting for me out there right now.

The Next Time Someone Says

"It's always all about you, isn't it?" Reply, "FINALLY! Jesus Christ, I was starting to think you were slow or something!" and walk away.

I'm Feeling Pissy Today,

and an annoying thing I've noticed about myself when I feel pissy is that I get sort of prim and prudish and self-righteous and man, that sucks and is really fucked up to boot. I'm sure a psychologist or psychiatrist (the lower case p is on purpose) could tell me all sorts of fascinating fables about why I get that way, but what it comes right down to, I think, is that feeling pissy=feeling bitchy=being mean to others=feel a little better.


It mostly happens when I'm at home alone though, so then, I pretty much don't have anyone to take it out on. That's when the TV commercials really get a piece of my mind and I think they are starting to listen to me, I haven't seen that Canadian Tire asshole for quite some time now. I think maybe somebody finally punched the know-it-all twat in the jaw. It could just be he is getting his vast knowledge base ready for Spring and BOOM! He'll be back to tell us all (well all us Canadians, you Americans will have to figure it out for yourselves) how to best get everything in top running order for the warmer weather. Ever notice how his wife looks and sounds like one of those "not aging too well, whiskey and cigarette, swearing like a trucker" broads? I don't get how she ended up with him...

Man, I hate that dude.

For My Next Purchase, I'm Considering This:

I'm dying to hear this record (no pun intended).

We actually made a few rather good purchases this weekend, I'll post the covers soon.

I Said No To Drugs, They Just Didn't Listen

Did anyone else ever watch those After School specials? I don't mean the ones that came on in the early 90's with the likes of Drew Barrymore, since those ones were really just a reworking of the originals that ran in the 70's and early 80's. I don't know why I was thinking about them, but there were certain actors whose names even to this day remind me of After School Specials, and then there are some actors who I could not in a million years tell you what else they did but After School Specials. Like that guy up there, The Boy Who Drank Too Much. I think his name is Lance Kerwin, and although I am sure he featured in Tiger Beat over and over, I have no clue what sort of career he really had. I remember he developed a crack problem in real life in the late 80's.

I always found the ones that dealt with drinking and drugs particularly exciting because those kids always did something really over the top (like jumping out a window on PCP) or funny (passing out and pissing themselves) and it was great to watch. Like a smorgasbord of troubled teen actors showing us their real lives under the guise of acting.

I probably watched too much tv as a child, although I'm not sure how that is possible since I don't remember having much more than 6 channels to choose from. I also remember spending all my time outside playing, so much so that I would get in trouble for trying to eat dinner too fast so I could get back out there again before it got dark.

That's all.

Lost

My Wit.

To prove I'm not totally negative

here are some things I actually like:

Sushi
dark haired guys
Squarepusher
Amon Tobin
Japanese Toys
Books
Vinyl (records)
Jaegermeister

and that's just for starters.

So...

I got home covered in mud and with frizzy hair from tramping around the barns (tramping in the walking sense, I did NOT encounter any hot stable boys).

Now, after a mere 3 beers I feel rather buzzed, kind of like before a grade 9 dance. I guess there is something to be said for not drinking for awhile, makes for a cheap night.

You know what's bugging me tonight? People who tell me "You've got to get over your fear of flying, you are missing so much". Did it ever occur to them that I am not overwhelmingly interested in travel?

Even though I hate Clowns, I still wonder...

What ever happened to Circus of the Stars anyway? Now that was T.V.

Best Card I Ever Got For Christmas

I wish I knew what the Korean part said though...

I Stand For Absolutely Nothing At All

Last night I dreamt about the Land of the Lost. Actually, I dreamt about watching the Land of the Lost. I'm guessing this means my life is now officially pathetic, dreaming about watching fucking tv. Don't you hate people who use italics for emphasis, assuming the reader is too stupid to figure out which part of a statement is meant to be emphasized? Actually, it's not such a bad assumption, since I've noticed most people have the reading ability of a fourth grader. Nobody seems to read anymore, except for online and let me tell you, that's not really reading mister.

It's valentine's day. Whoop de fucking doo. Buy a fucking present for your (insert appropriate descriptor here) any day of the year, why get sucked into buying some cheesy card that 500 other people in your town got, and why buy candy that is "special" only because it comes in a tacky heart shaped box which kind of represents a sick sort of sentiment if you ask me, and stuffed animals are the biggest waste of money ever and you should have a good collection of them by the time you are 12 and be thinking about how to cull the herd NOT add to it.

Whatever, I hope all you guys who spend a ton of money on that harpie you call a girlfriend actually get laid for a change as a result. Good luck on that. I'm betting if you don't spend at least $100 bucks PLUS dinner, your chances are reduced.

Here's what you should really get if you want to go the traditional route with a twist of reality.

A card that says:

Roses are red
Violets are blue
start sucking me off
or I will dump you.

A box of chocolates with a note saying:

Eat this box of chocolates and put some meat on your bones you scrawny bitch. Stop buying US magazine and feeling bad about yourself, and the next time you order a fucking salad when we go out for dinner, you are dumped. Men LIKE a girl who eats and they like to eat what's on your plate too. Get a clue. Lots of love.

A stuffed bear with a note saying:

Honey, I've loosened the stitches around Teddy's head so that the next time you psychotically freak out over something stupid I've done, Teddy's head will pop off easily for you when you attack him in anger and you won't even break a nail.

Happy Valentine's Day Lovers!

In Honour Of Valentine's Day

I found this:



It's good for Christians AND Stalkers. A little photoshop, and YOUR lovely mug can take the place of Jesus.

I Hate Winter and I hate Cars

and now it's snowing again which really sucks because I have to drive out to the country to work in an hour. I do not like driving in the snow and worst of all is the fact that I have an unpaid speeding ticket that has caused me to have my licence temporarily suspended. I HAVE to drive to work or I will not have the money to pay off the ticket and get my licence back.

Dammit, just when you think things are going to turn around...

Candy Hearts

It tasted like Fabric Softener.

Green Leaves

I know this isn't a new thing, but I love these guys and every now and then I think about them and have to watch their video one more time.

Stuper Hole Stunday

Why the fuck would anyone "look forward to" Superbowl ads? That's what the companies are counting on you dumb fuck easily manipulated morons! Do you actually feel better about spending your money because you saw the "super expensive, greatly anticipated, blah blah blah ad that didn't really seem like an ad at all because they made it like a real little show and OH MY GOD it was SOOO funny we should talk about it constantly which is just what they want us to do" ad on during the Superbowl?

Advertising exposes the weakest link and makes a fortune off of it.

But I know people like to be told what is cool and in and acceptable and what will get them laid by the hot models who always travel in herds like wild animals and what will make them funny and look like a celebrity and what brand is O.K. to get drunk on because it's the BEST brand and wait, the boys will look at your TITS if you wear THESE clothes and if you don't have tits you can buy THESE rubbery fake inserts and GUESS WHAT? The boys won't notice they are fake at all because they will already be drunk on the BEST brand of beer, so they will just think "Hot damn, nice fucking tits!". This will all make you something special even though you will be EXACTLY like everyone else, and even if you have to visit the clinic after using all these social lubricants to get some bed action (but that's ok, STD's are hip if you didn't hear) you can still sleep at night knowing that because of Advertising, you are the absolute TIP TOP version of yourself that you can be and you didn't even have to hurt your brain AT ALL to do it. Oh, and you can recite the lines from the ads together in the office and laugh all HAR DE HAR HA HA really loud for weeks and weeks because nobody can think of when the joke isn't funny anymore and nobody wants to be the one to kill the humour because that would expose them as unhip, you know like how "Whasuuuuuup" is STILL an office staple guaranteed to get tons of GUFFAWS (which are better than chuckles) from those who are true ad afficionados and genuinely one of the pack.

(Men, keep in mind that these messages will be delivered somewhat indirectly since as we all know, it's no longer acceptable to admit to liking tits or anything else in America that's "Unchristian". This seemingly gives you free rein to blame women for your apparent "emasculation" allowing you to go full circle and behave like ignorant chimps. Women, keep in mind that it was NEVER ok for you to admit to being sexual, only to portraying yourself as such as dictated by the media and then being coerced into acting sexual by men. Both sexes, realize that this philosophy contributes enormously to the fucked up state between the sexes today.)

By the way... Joanie really DID love Chachi. REALLY.

Tippett

I opened the phone book, flipped the pages and landed on the name Tippett. They will never know that I considered calling them just for the hell of it this morning. I just rubbed my eyes so hard I couldn't see for like 30 seconds.

Today is my day off and I'm not feeling too great which is typical. I'm working at an Equestrian centre which means "a big farm where lots of teen girls ride horses all day" for those of you less inclined to use or even understand a word like equestrian. You'd expect with a word like Equestrian everyone would walk around being rich and beautiful with a foreign accent and fancy riding clothes but mostly it's just manure and jeans. It has renewed my desire for a horse of my own though.

I've lost the momentum of blogging in the short yet seemingly eternal time I had no internet access. As a result, if you even bother coming here anymore, please don't be disappointed by the lack of meaningful content. It's really no different than before, I just took some extra care before to disguise the lack of content behind silliness and supposed questions of depth.

Ryan Seacrest 29?

Come on, I find that hard to believe. Dude, stay out of the sun. You look 40 to me.

Worldwide Again

I have service again. I'm a bit annoyed because initially, it just would not set up properly, I had to call them 4 times and still no help. Fortunately, I do know a bit about computers and networking, so I ended up fixing the problem (with IP's etc.) myself. I should get a credit for that!

Anyway, I'll start writing again. Right now, I have a billion emails to deal with. Later!