Please don't say "That's bananas" or "This shit is bananas" unless you are on a kid's show. With monkeys. Who are learning about food for the first time. Or you work in a zoo. And the monkeys just took a dump. Thanks.

These are pretty cool.

Yick Yu did drugs in real life. I thought you should know.

CRASH

and Trevor breaks something again. Psst.... There's a broom. Right behind you. Also... you should get that hump checked out.

I caught my reflection in a window today and it sure looks like I walk kind of funny. Also my kitten jumped on me fresh from the shitbox. This seems to be one of his things.


That's all for now.

Ghost Walk

I can smell a little bit of Fall in the air and every year this gives me a bit of a bad feeling, it's almost like panic.

I have never felt more sick in my life than I have felt in the past 12 hours and even though I suspect it is a good thing because it probably means my body is working to get back to normal, I wish I could die because it REALLY IS THAT BAD and I am not someone who is a wimp about pain or that sort of thing. I seem to be losing more hair than I should be lately, not enough to be concerned, but enough to be annoyed even more than I already am at this stupid Depo life ruining drug.

Then I think about those goddamned World Vision ads because shit, those actually get to me, not because of anything the washed up has been pseudo celebrities have to say, but because it really is FUCKED UP that people live and die like that every day and sometimes the worst thing we have to complain about is that we are bored or we didn't get tickets to some wank's concert or somebody hurt our feelings or blah blah blah and it just proves that "it's a small world" means it's small because we are all selfish and not because we share any common goal towards the greater good of this planet and I proved that by writing about myself in the first paragraph and saving this rant for the second.

I got chased by a bee yesterday and I mean CHASED like trying to get into my hair and following me when I ran (the stupid bee had already been angered by someone else, so don't bother telling me I should have stood still, no way was I getting the sting for someone else's dumb move) and I tried to get my boyfriend to kill it or get rid of it or something but he got all girly and runny too and so I hoofed him in the ass for not being manly and then the best part is that the bee decided to go after him once I made it into the car and that was good even though the bee followed him into the car it made me happy because I just hopped out and it still followed him and he had to hop back out and try to time it so the bee did not make it back in with him. Nobody ended up stung.

I hate bees.

Ah, this city never fails to give you something to look at. Since I now have a second job within walking distance, I've actually been on foot in the downtown area. Today, I saw a chubby, worn out woman with three small children boot one of them in the ass to get him across the street. "Move it! It's simple logic, you walk straight, not in a zig zag!" She shrieked.

Classy. This is a classy town. I think you have one of two options. You can be white trash with no illusions, or white trash in an "I admire Paris Hilton and will show my cootch when drunk enough in Hess Village" way.

Sigh.

I was thinking about the crazies I knew in highschool and wonder what became of them. Most of them had already hit the wall pretty hard back then, so it makes me curious. One stole his parent's credit card, took off up North, bought a couple of jet skis and partied for a bit. When he came back, he apparently covered himself in tar. I don't get it. Another one broke into a woman's house and proclaimed himself the Easter Bunny. Naturally some time in the mental hospital followed.

These were kids who were proclaimed to be genius in school. They had plenty of intellect potential, but something just wasn't firing quite right. I suppose massive amounts of acid and other mind altering substances might have something to do with it.

It's a bit unfortunate though that the things you find fun/funny as a teenager/young adult have the potential to turn you into a half-wit feeb with an altered personality and too many issues to list in later life.

I know some people who have what I can only term a mean streak. It seems they find their best fun in being rotten to others. Good natured teasing and a witty remark CAN be entertaining, but these people are more into the "shattering egos and demoralizing people" thing I think.

These days, very few people know how to wait for anything. ADD is obsolete in my mind because it's a common thing for almost anyone. I guess it comes from a society that has everything to offer and often little work is required. Everybody feels such a sense of entitlement. Soft parenting of the kind that says you MUST allow your children to do everything that crosses their mind so as not to stunt who they are might be partly to blame. Look at society. Is this who we are? Crap, there are a lot of well deserved ass whippings that are owed.

For some reason, crazy people always say hello to me out on the streets.

I've been too lazy to take photos lately, too lazy to write even, and I had another one of my prophetic aircrash dreams.

My computer is suicidal, and although I keep resuscitating it, it may be a losing battle, and who am I to determine whether it lives or not?

http://www.cropart.com/dlillian.dir/caxlil31.htm

My new thing is baby shampoo, I think. It was cheap and I bought it, so it has to be my new thing. The batteries in my camera just died and I'm too lazy to have a second set charged and ready to go. I'm lazy about really stupid things like buying toilet paper, picking up the mail...

Last night, we went to see a few bands and I saw a bunch of people I had not seen in ages, including one I had not seen since I was about 20. I have no idea how he recognized me, but he looks nothing like he used to and it took me a good 15 minutes to sort out in my head who he actually was.

I also heard that my friend who I have not seen in about 18 months or so spent 2 months sitting up a tree in the Red Hill Valley, protesting the roadway construction. God, the things you miss when you become anti-social.

This is a very boring post, the kind of post I roll my eyes at and say "Jesus christ, why do they even bother to have a blog? Who the fuck wants to read that shit?" when I check out blogs using the next blog button.

Going to the cottage.

Clique Tales aka You Suck Willy Lump Lump

I can feel things changing. It's always good to go with your gut. I can feel my personality returning, the poison is leaving my body, each day I'm a little less tired, a little less angry. It's good. I can see a point where things will be easier now, motivation won't be so far out of reach. It's actually happening.

I'm just really tired of other people... pushing and shoving and yelling and ranting and making my heart pound with every slam and bang and moving through life with a lack of grace designed to disrupt the planet's route around the sun in a desperate attempt to matter, however hollow.

Sears Pose

When I was around 10, I used to look through my grandmother's Sears catalogs and pick out older girls who would be my sisters. I gave them names like Darien and Larissa, and made up stories in my head about their lives. They were always older than me in these stories.

I have two sisters. They're younger. I have no idea why I played this game.

Bah

The most useless piece of advice you can give a person is "Cheer Up". Gee, thanks, if you hadn't suggested it, I never would have thought of it and might have killed myself. This tidbit usually comes from the kind of person who is afraid to feel their emotions, because they were programmed from school-age that feelings are bad, unless they are the right ones and by the right ones I mean "happy by any means" ones.

I had a friend who used to offer people a piece of gum as some sort of cure all when something was going wrong. Yeah, well not so very long ago, her father was shot in the head. I'm guessing a fucking piece of gum didn't make that one all better....

I feel a little bad for the cold way I just wrote that. She was a well intentioned girl I suppose.

Blah, Too Serious

I've always been a little weak of character, and it's a flaw I'm aware of but haven't done a whole lot about. I've spent a lot of time drinking, smoking weed and generally just being, quite frankly, a loser. It's not that these things make me neglectful of my work or responsibilities so much as it contributes to my relationship decisions. I think the hardest part about it is that I KNOW these things create problems, affect personalities and contribute to arguing and poor decision making. The other person doesn't always see it that way. I suppose my words are misinterpreted as angry, even though I try to make sense and be rational. Communication is difficult, really, when emotion is involved. Sometimes you just want to be heard though.

I think I sometimes have a hard time believing that someone else might actually not see it the way I do. It seems so obvious. I have some very basic relationship guidelines; trust, honesty and respect. I think when you live with someone, you owe them these things, and you owe them some level of accountability. It comes with the territory. Maybe I'm wrong and have always been. I'm starting to think so, because my way never leads to anything too terribly lasting (though I did manage a 5 year relationship which quite honestly is a pretty damn good record these days, although again if I'm being honest, a lot of it was chaotic). I suppose most of it has to do with my being with men younger than me. I suppose girls in their 20's haven't neccessarily figured themselves out yet and don't have the same expectations, or maybe they enjoy turmoil; I seem to recall drama featuring in most relationships I saw/was in during my 20's.

What it comes down to though is that I don't want to be part of a glorious mess, I don't want to coast along in party mode all the time, not anymore, it's vacant and empty and being someone who's now standing on the other side of having done so before, can say it leaves you feeling like you've wasted so much time. Life is uncertain enough, some things you have every power to bring some peace to, and in such simple ways too. Funny, it takes so long for most of us to realize that. And once you do, it's even harder to put it into practice. Wanting this just makes you come off as a miserable ass though, when the people around you don't want it too. Or maybe they want it in a different way that you don't understand.

Fuck it, I'm not Dr. Phil.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive

So I spent my evening coloring my hair a reddish tone. It's not nearly dramatic enough, I'm a bit disappointed. I also watched t.v., but only House.

Driving made me angry today. It often does. Look asswipe, if I'm already in the "fast" lane (and I'm assuming you are not smart enough to realize there isn't really a fast lane, the speed limit is the SAME regardless of the lane, but whatever) and speeding myself, (let's say about 20-25 over), then I am NOT going to swerve in and out of traffic in the next lane just so you can truck along at 50 over. You want to speed even more, YOU do the swerving around, knob. No amount of tailgating me is going to change it. Oh look, I caught up to you at the red light. Way to motor, moron.

American highways bug me because I've noticed if you miss your exit, you are pretty much committed to about an hour of driving out of your way without the opportunity to exit and turn around. Brilliant thinking.

I do have a conscience. I yelled "Cunt" at some guy and felt a little sorry afterwards. He didn't hear me though.

The Stupidity Circle

It kinda sucks when you start to see some cycles in your life repeating and you know that you are 100% responsible and not only that, you have become one of those douchebags that need Dr. Phil even though you would never reduce yourself to that pathetic, tv whoring level no matter what.

I make poor choices.

On the plus side, it looks like I probably have a second job. I'm glad.

Aerobic Dancing

I look surprisingly cheerful for someone who once again is broiling their ass off in a house that has faulty air conditioning. I'm fine as long as I keep on showering.

I'm getting fat. I feel like a chunk just walking around. All I do is eat. At least it feels that way. I'm not sure that I really care though. I happen to love eating.

Yesterday while in my car, I thought of a bunch of stuff to talk about on here. It's been forgotten now. Sometimes, I think of things as I'm falling asleep, but am too lazy to write the ideas down. I'm always convinced I'll remember. I never do. Apparently I'm not a fast learner, though I'm sure I've claimed to be in job interviews.

I also had to "borrow" dishwasher detergent yesterday because I am a responsible adult person who can budget her money so that she has it for neccessary items like dish soap and toilet paper and such.

88 Degrees

and it's only noon. I will flee my home soon. Time for shower number 2.

My air conditioning is not working properly and it's so fucking hot in here I will either scream or cry shortly. It's unpleasant and humid hot. I can't think in this heat! Also, my boobs hurt.