I’m going away for the weekend. See ya Monday. I’d tell you about it but honestly, I’m tired and I don’t feel like writing another word after this.

It’s an amazing day out… the kind of day that makes me remember being a kid at my grandmother’s and how I would wake up early to the sound of the foghorn and the sun burning away the overnight fog and the grass is still wet and the smell of earth is everywhere and you barely want to take the time to eat breakfast because outside is calling there were slugs to be caught and wood to whittle and rocks to skip and forest paths to explore and beach to leave footprints on and cold water to run screaming from and oh how I miss that time and my grandparents and molasses cookies and strawberries and cream and a time when I didn’t know any better but to just play and laugh and enjoy being alive without even thinking about why.

You know, if you like a band/singer/artist whatever you want to call them, then you should really purchase their music properly. I always try to. I get really annoyed when people tell me that they don’t because “some of the money is going to record companies …devils…. Blah blah blah” oh fuck off.

I hope someday you have a boss who says he’s not going to pay you because some of the money goes towards a brand of beer he doesn’t like or towards gas in your SUV and he’s an environmentalist.

I’m drinking Adlay tea and feeling hopeful about tomorrow. I have an interview in Toronto and I’m hoping it will lead to a great improvement in my life situation. My goal of course is to land a good job, work for a bit and save some money and then move to Toronto. Leave it to me to wait so long into my life to do the things I should have done years ago.

I’m looking forward to the summer though; there are a lot of things I want to do, and I’m working on planning a ghost town road trip ending up in Montreal which should be great for many reasons, especially for photos. Wanna go?

there was a time about 5 years ago when I threw away everything that made me sad. Now, it makes me sad that I don't have those things.

But they are just things right? Having them or not having them won't change anything.

It’s raining and yay thunder, oh look am I another one of those girls who likes rain and being sad, oh get over it judgmental, we can’t all be blasé and immune to the world and why would you want to be? Anyway it doesn’t make me sad, but it does make me wish I was still in bed watching I have a great view of this city and huge windows that frame storms perfectly.

I would love it if I could go eat eggs benedict right now. I would love it even more if I had someone to eat them with. But it would have to be the right someone, eggs benedict is a pretty special egg dish to eat with just anyone. Ideally maybe would be the eggs in bed with the storm and the big windows.

Instead, I’m here at work taking orders to do truly silly and mindless tasks.

I want to be overwhelmed by someone and I want my insides to be so full of feeling that I might explode the universe. You might as well be dead if you have to live through mediocre emotions.

There used to be this girl
Who solved every problem with chewing gum
Want some gum she’d chirp
I just wanted to put it in her hair
And her eyes and most importantly over her mouth

I chewed a lot of her gum in high school

They've really covered all the bases.


I'm partial to the angry guy in the red hat. There's a sequel by the way.


Anyone have a copy of this?



I'm not unhappy... but I am feeling dark.

yeah this is all I have for the background so far... i'd say there's at least 3 more days of layering to go before this background is acceptable. I think I want to tone down the red a lot.


good old Hamilton...

sometimes you can take something somebody has said or written and hope beyond hope that they meant it for you, so much so that it doesn't even matter if they did, because in your heart it was only for you and always will be.

That's as deep as my optimism gets.

I'm working on my patience by working on some art. I'm the sort of person who likes to start and finish things pretty much within a limited time frame... we're talking a few hours tops. I just can't deal with waiting; I know, that's a flaw and I'm sure some shrink could shed fascinating light on it, but regardless...

I'm into day 3 of these 2 pieces I'm working on, and since I don't have any clear direction in my mind as to the final result, it should be interesting to see how it turns out and also how long it takes.

Learning patience. Hmm.

I thought i really loved circles and such but then I realized cubes make me pretty happy too. Walter Gropius... i love you. Thanks for reminding me, google.

yeah so there was a car accident out front of the school about 20 min ago... one car ended up hitting the building missing crashing through our front window by about 2 feet. We had to leave the building as gas was leaking and so on and two girls are still trapped in that car as I type....

I think my older blog posts were much more revealing and entertaining and spontaneous then when i was in a relationship everything in my head shut down and i'm only just now waking up again having ended that relationship in March.

Funny thing about ending a long term relationship I find i start to fall in love with people briefly here and there but not for real i have all these romantic notions of strolling with a beautiful boy eating exotic meals and sitting by lakes and kissing in smoky club stairwells and living in a one room flat with a hot plate and nothing but each other falling asleep slightly drunk with the taste of whiskey and the smell of his skin just there under your nose and the window wide open and nothing on but the moonlight and hey that's great...

and then I know that the reality of that would actually make me hate whatever beautiful boy i was with because nobody can live on those things except in books and sometimes movies and i'm too old for this story anyway.

but i still can't stop thinking about it sometimes, you know?

The thing is I’m just lonely. The problem is even though I’m lonely, I just don’t see myself with a long-term relationship. It’s not a sex thing, I’m not lonely for sexual companionship; that’s an easy enough thing to find if you need to. I am lonely for a genuine romantic friendship I guess you could say… and yet, you can’t really have that without the full on relationship and really I suck at that game if the truth be told.

I feel like I’ve been ruined, or more accurately I’ve ruined myself; my relationship peak was about 5 years ago and now it will not happen again because something in me clicked off then and I can’t seem to find the switch.

Fuck, I just turned this into a goddamned chick blog. Next I’ll be telling you about my cramps and the funny things my cats do.

i tend to complain about this city I live in, but I just went outside and actually enjoyed being here for once. The temperature is perfect, the air smells fresh for a change and there was just the right amount of activity on the streets. It's a good day so far. On the downside, my face has busted out the acne like a puberty inflicted boy.

it may be hard to believe, but i'm not just a head on a popsicle stick.

This picture might negate my bookish personality. I don't much care.

I will make a great old person because I love the smell of medicinal balms and most old people are quite liberally basted in them like giant mentholated turkeys.

Someone reminded me of my love of Charles Bukowski.

Sometimes I feel it’s a bit odd that I love his work so much; it’s misogynistic and depressing and you can pretty near smell the dirty pants and liquor when you read him. But that’s just the surface impression. I actually love that he’s honest and doesn’t seem like he could be anything but, and he’s blunt and damaged, oh fuck how he’s damaged and the misogyny is more like a need for love but an inability to really do anything proper with it and that would make anybody angry and resentful, and his writing has so little to do with my life yet everything to do with it at the same time he’s poetic in the most basic of ways… his simple words smash you over the head with their obvious perfection. You know I’m getting excited when I burst into run on sentence.

Read Ham on Rye if you’ve not read him before.

Damn art shop closes too early, this city is completely useless for anything except crack and getting drunk, and even then you have to get drunk in your house because nothing is happening elsewhere.

This city only revives itself slightly on Fridays and Saturdays, and even then it's a half-assed attempt requiring life support and a fucking IV.

It's time to move on... I've been here too long. Anticipation will either motivate you or destroy you. I'm feeling hopeful.

I'm going to build a castle out of marshmallow and hide inside, I'll eat my way out when the time is right and all that sugary sweetness will hopefully manifest itself in a brand new outlook.

turns out i'm not dead inside after all, it just seems like it sometimes.

If I have to be crazy... would it hurt the world so much to at least make me a genius too?

Insecurity will whip your ass and low self-esteem will stand on the sidelines and cheer.

I woke up today with this huge urge, desire, need, whatever you want to call it, to move on, out, up, away. So who’s gonna stop me?

I sit at work and I long to just write, take photos, create things, get covered in paint and glue and EVERYTHING in the world that makes me happy and instead I have to type and worry and add dollars.

I recognize today by the smell. It’s the smell of 10 years ago, 5 years ago; specific moment smell, bringing to mind certain people and certain situations, dumping feeling on me without any warning whatsoever.

Sometimes I wish I would lose my sense of smell so I could stop attending these stupid scent induced surprised parties.