I keep the emails where you call me by pet names, there aren’t that many of them anymore, but when there are, I don’t delete them.

Maybe because I love words, it makes me feel like I have tangible proof of what exists between us, even though I also know that the selection of those words is not necessarily as much of a thought process for most people as it is for me and therefore these examples of somethingness might not be what I’ve interpreted.

Still, I don’t care, and I will keep these messages every time it happens. Someday when I’m old, maybe I’ll still look at them; maybe you will be there and maybe you won’t. But I’ll have captured this moment and the simplicity of their endearments will remind me that I mattered to someone.

I want to be able to string words together in beautiful chaotic crashes of meaning, where even something that on the surface seems dirty and dismal can become painfully and achingly stunning. The ability to devastate through word choice perhaps continues to elude me.

Perhaps I am having a midlife crisis minus the sports car and mid priced hooker.

Exactly why was Tootie always on roller skates? And wasn’t Natalie surprisingly at ease with her weight given her age? I don’t think that was very realistic. I liked when Helen Hunt was the stoner friend at Tumpy’s weed party though. Helen went through a little stint of playing fuck-ups actually didn’t she…that was preferable to the neurotic twat she played on Mad About You. God that couple made you want to eat a gun. Here’s my list of shows that made me want to eat a whole gun salad:

Mad About You
Seinfeld
Home Improvement
Cheers
Frasier
most of Friends

I’m sure there are tons more but I’ve long ago blocked them. Now Paper Dolls, there was an underrated show. Anything with Morgan Fairchild AND a teenage Nicolette Sheridan is infinitely watchable.

I’ve got salmon sashimi on the brain. We will go and pig on sushi tonight, all you can eat, we’ll start with 30 pieces of sashimi please and thank you, and oh man I have a craving for mackerel, I have no problem being a glutton in this case, none at all.
By the way, it’s a bad idea to eat leftover Chinese food at 2 am. I’ve had massive heartburn ever since.
I might not blog over the weekend, or at least not much because it is really a bit of a pain to do from the iphone, I haven’t mastered the typing bit yet. But next week, I’ll start introducing you to the crazies of my neighbourhood. Oh yes, there are A LOT.
Did I mention I’m in love with my iphone? I might even marry it.

If you want to really creep yourself out, take a look around you and imagine where everything will be in 100 years, including yourself. How much of your stuff will still be around? Right now at work, I can honestly say that every single thing I see will be long gone. My nice brand new iphone will be a distant and technologically extinct relic as will my desktop, laptop and regular telephone system. Then there’s all the insignificant things; my lip balm tin, Kleenex box, Wendy’s cup.

Who knew weird junk mail for Viagra from somewhere overseas could end up being poetic.


i thought id live there forever one day when i was 12 my dad quit his job and we moved to lake tahoe it rocked my stable world
again happy things
how have you been surprised what can i say
Yummy fabric ready to ship
and then i found myself a mother funny i thought id teach awhile longer and have grant all to myself and save some money
one more thought about best friends
you love him too right
off to the kindergarten valentines day party
what do you look for in a best friend
what an adventure it is
let me preface this by saying that there is no one size fits all eating plan for someone with hormonal issues for some women cysts irregular cycles lack of ovulation and too much testosterone and its effects are directly related to bad insulin regulation in their body for these women they may be able to restore better regularity with avoiding blood sugar spikes by not eating carbohydrates therefore eliminating the insulin problem that is why so many women can conceive with metformin or glucophage because these medicines work at that level

where are neighborhoods like that anymore with bushes big enough to hide in and kids that go around the block together all afternoon and normal sized houses and the old winkfields next door ok i dont need the winkfields but id sure love to give my kids the rest
what a few hours on a sunny day can do for you
i look for girls with purses that compliment mine

me 1982

um we didnt have computers in our homes then

and that made me think of all the insomniatic nights that she stayed up with me and mirrored my every move and snuggled me right out of my anxiety into dreamland long after grant and cate had drifted off

I thought you should know that I am a hypocrite who got an iphone last night. I’m going to try to avoid turning into an obsessed robot.
I’ve got a stack of movies to watch at home. I’m no good at reviewing films, but here’s my short opinion on the ones I’ve watched so far.

Brick: I shut this one off after about 20 minutes. It seemed like it was trying too hard to be cool and in reality it just seemed aimless and thus, I got bored. I don’t really give films a chance I guess, but I don’t want to give up a couple of hours of my time for nothing. I don’t subscribe to the theory that “it gets good in a bit”. Why should I sit through junk to get to the bit of good?

Superbad: maybe I’m too old for this, but IT got old for me fast. I ended up going for a bath while it was on and was dismayed to see it hadn’t ended by the time I got out. I know the whole world seems to think this crap is funny, so is there something wrong with ME? I just think maybe my brain is evolved enough to not keep finding the same basic dick joke hilarious in repetition for 2 hours (without chemical influence anyway). I guess it helps if you are 13. Or a man.

The Real Dirt on Farmer John: this was a pretty interesting documentary about farming and organics, freaks and artists, suspicious neighbours, failing economies etc. Parts of it made me pretty sad actually.

Birthday Girl: I suppose Nicole Kidman seemed Russian enough. This movie was actually ok on a pure entertainment level, but certainly no masterpiece. I sort of fell asleep before the very end, but it was late.

Half Nelson: I wanted to like this movie, in theory it seemed interesting but as it went on I got distracted and bored. Maybe I’ve just seen too many drug movies? I accidentally kicked the plug out and shut down the dvd and didn’t bother to turn it on again.

So the movies I have left to watch are:

The Departed, Little Children, Sherrybaby and The science of Sleep.

Someone has a little heater going, its continuous hum forming the back drop to what is in fact an oddly quiet workspace. I suppose I fit here. The phone rings a lot, but beyond that you don’t hear much. Even phone calls are generally muffled enough that you can’t even eavesdrop with any great success, not that they’d be very interesting.
It is a bit frightening really, when you stop and think about how many minutes, hours, days, weeks and so on you potentially spend sitting in front of a computer screen in the name of working. And then you go home and do the same thing in the name of socializing.
I’m terribly attached to my internet access; at the same time I hate how it preoccupies with its lure of instant gratification, flattery and the opportunity to say things to people you might not otherwise say or connect with people you shouldn’t; it promotes deception even while providing a slight thrill and in those ways it’s a very bad addition to our daily life.
Every year I long for my vacation to Grand Manan Island; no cable, no internet, no cell phone, just me, the fog, the salty air, the ocean waves, the sand and a home and yard still filled with the ghosts of a time when none of these intrusions even existed in my world and none of these stresses preoccupied my mind.
What a perfect ending, just as a typed that last line, someone’s super obnoxious cell phone went off.
p.s. I’m a fucking hypocrite because I might go out and get a cell phone tonight. You know, just to fit in and be able to be as distracted and preoccupied as the rest of the goddamned world.

I’m far too old to be harbouring the sort of romantic and hopeful delusions that I do; to be honest I surprise myself sometimes, I liked to think I hate that shit and am beyond it, that the idea of forever with anyone is nauseating, that marriage is a death sentence, that romance is only for tv and the movies. Anyway, I think it’s safe to say that where I am right now is where I will be 5 years from now and beyond.
There is definitely an age cut-off for this crap, by the time you are my age you tend to be meeting people whose baggage competes with or even exceeds your own and who wouldn’t dream of even pretending to be capable of performing in the kind of story you’ve woven in your head. At this age, it’s too much work to keep up the courtship façade for very long, it’s given up and accepted as gone so much more quickly than those younger than myself would allow. You can see the other person feeling annoyed by things you say and do that only months ago they wouldn’t have thought twice about. Does this happen to everyone? Really? If so, how miserably and tragically sad.
There’s a little voice that keeps telling me “for christs sake, at this point it’s too late to even imagine being somebody’s one and only; stop being a needy suck and grow up. It’s inevitable that you will always be part desired but also part replacement, you will always compete with the ghosts of the past and unfortunately they will probably make reappearances that you may or may not know about.
Yet I can’t help but be hopeful; somewhere under all the times I’ve been knocked down and disappointed there’s still a little hibernating bud of pure stupid openness, fully aware it’s more than likely going to get trampled again. I could shut it off, I’m completely capable of that and have done so before. It’s my alternate story, one that works nearly as well as the bullshit romantic duo one, and it’s one that I retreat to frequently when I’m having trouble sleeping or I feel stressed. In some ways I’m probably at my best solo, we all are of course.
I’d really like to take a road trip and stay in some kooky motels that have been around for longer than I have. Do they still exist? It’s such a stereotypical road trip desire I suppose, I never claimed to be an original.
I can’t wait for the warm weather to arrive and STAY! We have a better time outside, and it’s nicer for taking photos.

i'm lying here in the dim light of a rainy dawn, listening to the garbage truck rattle around outside and the car tires throw off that sloppy wet swoosh as they go by. If I didn't have to actually get up and go to work, I could be such a morning person, even on days like this. Instead, I count down the minutes in reverse, dreading the moment that I can't delay another second, when I have to actually rise.

I haven't been sleeping well; there's been a lot on my mind this past little while. I've been trying to know my own mind, trying to understand the mind of another, questioning whether I read too much into things, questioning if I don't read enough into things. Wondering if I will be the fool or if I'm being the fool. Wondering which is worse, knowing which is worse, thinking I know anyway.

Ultimately, the very best thing about me is my neverending independence and the reality that I am always all right, or at least as all right as I can be, regardless of any circumstances. that's all I need anyway, don't you think?

I look forward to the warm days, the days that I am anticipating will wake up the good part of me again, the part that feels happy to wake up, happy to be outside, happy to be alive and doesn't worry about the questionable decisions of others. I have no time for deception or emotional disservice in any of its forms; whether blatant or merely by omission. I have a tendency to get sucked in and become dark; I have to watch out for that and show more care and concern for my own well-being.

ugh cheese. Yes, it's time for some levity again soon, I hope I can deliver.