If you show up at my door unexpected, I can guarantee you that I will not answer it. Because I live in a condo where you are supposed to be buzzed in to even get to my door my theory is that if I am not expecting you, you are not welcome.

Sorry about that, political candidates. But I don't really want to hear what you have to say anyway.

I think today I will do some writing and I guess I will go and buy smokes because I haven't quite mastered the quitting yet but I am really doing much better.

Last night I dreamed about my grandmother's house again... this is a recurring dream that I have had over the past several years. I could never figure out exactly why... I have not been there for about 20 years and we only ever spent about 2 weeks out of each year there when we did go.


It is a place of fishermen and cliffs and sand dollars and clam shacks and fog horns and whales and puffins and I love it. Best of all, if I were to go today, it would be safe to say that it would be fundamentally, like on a skeletal level, unchanged, and that is very comforting.

And suddenly I get it. Nothing of any real significance ever happened to me there. Nothing disturbing, nothing truly notable, nothing life changing. The things that happened there were out of a storybook, the kind of storybook that details an everyday life by storybook standards. You know with the kind of things that real life doesn't usually offer. I remember actually being childish there, it was a place where you really might lie in tall grass eating wild raspberries or chase crabs through rocks or splash in tidal pools. You would actually spend an afternoon whittling sticks while laundry flapped on the line, and it's all so corny and dorky and unreal and therefore automatically desirable and neccessary even.

I really do want simplicity.

Yesterday I decided I was going to make baked beans from scratch. You would think this would be just about the most simple thing ever as it consists of basically shoving stuff in the oven and ignoring it for most of the day.

Thing is... if you miss the step where you boil the beans for 2 hours first, they never get soft, no matter how long you bake them. Taking them out, boiling them and rebaking them again doesn't work either.

I had Burger King for dinner last night.

I think today I will stay in my pink pajamas and mix music. At least until it makes my head hurt even more than it already does.

I've already eaten Pizza for breakfast. Bad decision.

Last night, one of my lipsticks opened up in my bag and got all over everything, mostly my money. Slimy. Also, Trevor phoned me at around 3 am or so. I could hardly understand him and had to fight back heartburn belches as I talked to him.

I have a glamourous and fascinating life. SUPER AWESOME!

err... I actually WENT OUT tonight. Was the only girl there for most of the night. Am drunk. Just ordered pizza... YUM YUM Pizza monster time!!

P.S. at 1:55 am. MUST stay awake for Pizza. I just wrote Pixxa and then fixed it. Yeah.

O.K. so lately the magazines have been posting pictures of these two captioned "Cute Couple Alert!"

Are you fucking kidding me? Even Seal would admit that cute is not a word that applies to him in any situation. I figure it's just the subtle way the magazines have of saying "See? We are NOT prejudiced, we dig the interracial couple thing." Like anyone would expect anything less. It's the absolute falsehood of the statement "cute couple" that gives them away. Try "Happy Couple" for fuck's sake.

Last night we watched The Astronaut's Wife because somebody told Tom it was scary. Never mind the cheesy puke love scenes complete with lame music and the fact that Charlize and Johnny pretty much looked alike to me and had NEGATIVE chemistry as a couple, there was NOTHING scary about this snore festival. The best part of the movie was when I pretended to leave the room so I could sneak back in and scare Tom. Now that was great!



Whoever you are who recommended this to him, I have a membership card to the Little girly boo hoo club ready for you. And a boot to your ass because I wasted two hours being NOT scared.

Computer you are not my friend. Why do you keep saying "sorry we cannot find blah blah blah" every time I try to go to a site? I know it is a complete lie and you could definitely find the sites if you tried. Slacker.

My camera stinks too. Overexposure city.

My neighbors must wonder why I am always yelling "NO" and "Stop that you idiot". My little cat has taken to dumping his water dish and then pushing the bowl around the kitchen every time it is filled. He has a bad attitude and doesn't care what I say. He has also started smacking people in the face, but not me. Just remember, you have a PINK nose little man, pink toes too. Gaylord.

I am drinking an Asahi super dry. " The beer for all seasons" the can says. "The beer for all reasons" I say. Man, am I ever witty.

Somebody please do a super cool version of this song. I know it will make you famous.

Last night I had violent dreams.



And time marches on. We are nothing in the grand scheme of things, so early in man's time on this planet really, it seems like we have everything but think of all the crazy and insane stuff we will never get to see. Except for all those twenty somethings who of course will see everything because they will never age and therefore never die except maybe accidentally by their own stupidity. I like that, actually.

There's this feeling in the pit of my stomach today, a familiar feeling that I will give the new and unfamiliar name of "Angry Ball". Hi Mr. Angry Ball, glad to see you didn't make it your resolution to go bother someone else. Maybe next year right?



I'm on a "historical re-enactment via placing modern people into old time situations" kick and as a result have several programs such as Colonial House, Pioneer Quest, The 1940's House and 1900 House on hold at the library. Oh yeah, and there's Manor House showing on Sundays on WNED. These will be great shows to get fat to.

I have a friend who believes there is a race of lizard people (Reptilians) in charge of the world.



I'm not the conspiracy theory type.



I suppose anything is possible.



I'm not a joiner, I don't think I'm very good at being a part of things. I keep a small circle of friends and although I can be friendly, I do not readily admit new participants.

Joining in makes me feel anxious, it's expected and people should be good at it I guess and this makes me feel like I can't breathe and so I merely avoid it as much as possible and so far this has served me well enough although I cannot deny a sense of jealousy I suppose towards those that are naturally social. I'm a tremendous faker I think; once in a social situation I naturally tend to want to take over and probably seem talkative and funny and all those other bullshit things social scenarios call for. Maybe it's the genuine enjoyment then that eludes me. Some people really seem to like this sort of thing and don't feel like they've aged 100 million years afterwards. Given the chance though, I don't think I'd swap places with one of them; it just seems hard and tiring and I think I'd be disappointed. Not that disappointment is a bad thing, I can just think of better things to be disappointed about.

I have a migraine. In fact, this is all I can stand to type right now because my head is going to BLOW UP or EXPLODE. Now I will go take a ton of AC & C's with some neo citran in the hopes that I will pass out at least for awhile and not feel this insane pounding just above my right eye and down the side of my fucking head.

P.S. I have stopped reading blogs that make my eyes hurt.

I really hate when someone gets dubbed "The best _____ in the world." Until everyone in the world competes, it's a totally meaningless title.

If I were a resolution making sort of person, I might resolve to stop writing in this blog because after almost 2 years, I think my brain is tapped.

I'm sick of myself.

I walked to the post office to drop off some envelopes for work today and on the way back I saw this mailman walking in front of me. He's Jay.... Jay the gay mailman" started going through my head to the beat of his walking. I actually kept making up lyrics in my head until he went into a building but I've forgotten them. It was a nice song. Jay would have definitely liked it.

I accidentally scared the shit out of a pigeon today. Hoot n' har har.

I'm incredibly bored by the internet suddenly.

I wish I knew when things changed in my head but I honestly can't pinpoint a specific moment, the only thing I think is certain is that it was more years ago than I have a right to blame.

This business of writing isn't really much of a business at all for most of us. I'm truly bored senseless finally by reading about people's oh too typical University escapades, relationship questions etc. Very few people are honest, everybody seems to reveal tidbits about themselves according to some coolness factor that I haven't been clued in on but good because it's a pretty fucking boring guideline in my estimation.


Fuck, how about some honesty. This might be the second time I've gone off on this sort of rant. For example, most of the time I am angry as shit. To the point where it makes my stomach hurt and my head throb. People annoy me and I mostly can't stand being around them. I have trouble maintaining friendships, particularly with women because it requires a level of emotional work that I can't be bothered with. This doesn't particularly bother me. That fact seems to bother other women.

I genuinely don't care about the advice of others when it comes in a form I consider prepackaged and regurgitated. Meaning, if your advice is something I could hear on Dr. Phil don't bother. I enjoy Psychiatry the same way I enjoy reading comics or watching Roseanne but think most people are full of shit when they try to analyze someone.

I don't like having conversations in my comments section on my blog. Lots of times I don't even read them.

So now as usual, I am bored of this rant, and probably the fact that I bore even myself is part of the reason I will never be a success especially when it comes to being El Coolio del Internet and I'm O.K. with that too because I am. If that bugs you, bleh blooh blah. I'm talking to myself here anyway if you didn't notice.


I had the best hair ever once.

Had a christmas party on Saturday. People invited formed little groups and it was kind of like being at a bar and I didn't feel that social so I didn't try to get them to mingle. I don't know why, but I felt no spark this year, I mean I felt like I needed to just drink and drink so that I would have a reason for not feeling very social.

Even so, pumpkins that were still kicking around were carved and neighbours complained. Later, some blonde girl who's name escapes me kept changing my music to death metal. I finally gave up on it and chowed down on some pot roast and chinese food before crashing. I have a habit of just picking up and disappearing when I start to black out.


I paid for that. Woke up in the process of puking my guts out in bed. Nursed a mean hangover yesterday. Thought to myself just how boring drinking really is these days. Wondered why I'll probably do it again.


P.S. I puked all over a library book.

Ugh.. there's this cosmetic surgery infomercial on tv touting botox and lipo etc. and I have truly never seen an uglier bunch of people try to convince me how I can look better in my life. Yeah, meltable people with poppable tits and immoveable faces are sexy as shit.

Fuck, this world is cracked.

so my friend is apparently mad at me for that lovely photo I made of him below. I don't know why, it's obviously not him to anyone who knows him... and anyone else won't care.

I suppose I'll have to make an awful photoshop job with my own head to atone or something.

High school never goes away.

I tried to dye my hair dark brown but it looks black now. I'm also giving myself a gradual haircut. I have pretty damn big ears.

Also I'm addicted to the library. I'm super cool.

Someday, maybe I'll stop sounding like I'm in high school.

I'd tell you what has been going on this past week except what has been going on is NOTHING and who cares because it's boring and yeah.

Mostly though, I'm just in a bad mood and I like to ignore stuff in that state, including this boring ass blog that wastes my time.

Later.

I saw this place called Shawnatron Computers the other day and my first thought was how gay a name that was.

Then I thought I'd give Shawn a break since really, coming up with such a dillhole name is actually kind of cool and maybe he just really likes robots or misses his Armatron or something.

Internet Money Transfer

Top Dog says:
Gawd, can't remember the last time I used it. The challenge question is "who danced in dog pee at your party" so it must have been a while ago
Carly Simon Hater says:
haha
Carly Simon Hater says:
that was great
Top Dog says:
I know, ha ha ha
Carly Simon Hater says:
best use for dog pee ever

Tracey says:
ok.....1. are these really lyrics from You're so Vain - You had one eye in the mirror , As you watched yourself gavotte and 2. What is gavotte?
Top Dog says:
gavotte
Top Dog says:
yacht, apricot
Top Dog says:
um,
Top Dog says:
mirror as you stepped onto the yacht
Tracey says:
this is written on someone's blog... and i don't ever remember hearing gavotte... but maybe i wasnt paying attention... also I thought Bette Davis Eyes said "all the boys think she's a spaz" so I'm dumb anyway
Top Dog says:
no?
Top Dog says:
I haven't looked up carly simon but I'm sure I know the opening lines
Tracey says:
i'm so confused
Tracey says:
is this important?
Top Dog says:
lemme see for sure. There's no excuse for that in the days of internet.
Top Dog says:
yes
Tracey says:
already on it
Tracey says:
I agree
Tracey says:
hmm... I'm seeing gavotte on this page
Tracey says:
what the fuck?
Top Dog says:
it's real
Tracey says:
ok so what does that mean
Top Dog says:
glad i looked. I was thinking that if gavotte is a word I must know it
Tracey says:
and this part....I had some dreams they were clouds in my coffee
Clouds in my coffee,
Tracey says:
they were?
Tracey says:
I thought it was there were
Tracey says:
fucked
Top Dog says:
http://www.encyclopedia.com/html/g1/gavotte.asp
Tracey says:
I hate Carly Simon now
Top Dog says:
a peasant dance
Carly Simon Hater says:
that's gay
Top Dog says:
one eye in the mirror as you watched yourself gavotte....sounds dangerous
Top Dog says:
I'd probably trip and fall
Carly Simon Hater says:
I'd kick you out if you gavotted at my house
Top Dog says:
even on roller skates?
Carly Simon Hater says:
especially

Everybody is a retard. I just refound this book that I found oh back in 1998. A friend of mine used to share a mailbox with this headshop, and I couldn't resist pinching this book left in it. And it is just as gaylordish now as it was then. I remember I had planned to put it back where I found it, but being the hyper critical sarcastic spaz that I am, I filled it with commentary of my own and then felt bad about returning it. O.K. I'm lying, I just forgot. I did wonder what he would think if he paged through it after I was done though.

Let's play a game. See if you can figure out what I added in the samples below.





the first bit is kind of hard to read. It says: "The strength of man is not to be measured in his muscle but in his heart and in his mind.

Emotions taken for granted breed loneliness and heartache which is an unnecessary hardship which no one should have to bare."

ugh forget it. This is a stupid game that is not very hard. Also, my comments are just as fucktwatted as his. See? Retards, one and all.

Roller Skating house parties are totally the next wave on the home entertainment scene.

I just wanted to tell you so that you could nod your head knowingly when you see it on the "What's In" list in US magazine.

I'm puzzled by a generation that has no problem viewing each other as strictly sex objects and believes that sexing everything that moves is fine and yet seems to be terrified when people pursue their sexuality in ways other than those presented on television and in music videos. I mean sometimes it isn't about the fucking...and that is fun too.

Please explain.

Once upon a time we used to go to a bar called The Lizard Lounge in Toronto. Fetish night was the best time to go there because the bar would be full of people you could exploit. Don't get me wrong, these people wanted to be exploited, were there to be exploited. And maybe I have a streak of cruelty in me, because exploiting people can be fun. I feel justified, because I exploit myself with the same sort of vigor. They had the best fashion shows and there was always a seedy feeling of expectation.

I had an ashtray boy. I should say WE had an ashtray boy because I believe in sharing. This is a very useful accessory to have when out for a night of drinking, dancing and partial nudity. I guess this profession is now obsolete though, given the smoking laws we now have in this province.

I gave pretty much all my fetish gear to a second hand store. I hope someone put it to good use.

Do you ever talk to yourself? Tell yourself secrets that nobody else knows? I do, and sometimes, I even listen to myself too.

Today I'd like to send a giant SHUTUP to Bono, who once again has his pompous lips flapping about what other people need to do in this world, or to be more specific, in this case, Canadians.

I have no patience for Rock stars as ambassadors of this, that and the other thing.

People like to watch other people fall apart, you know this is true from Oprah to Dr. Phil (come on, he's not really helping anybody as much as he is making bored housewives feel better than the sorry examples he presents) it's proven out every day.

I suppose it's a bit romantic in a novelistic way, falling apart, being the kind of person who is so consumed by the world that it eventually rips them to shreds. I think the critics are mostly just upset that they can't feel with that kind of passion, although that kind of passion can be scary and better watched at a distance by most really.

I know, you're probably thinking passion? What the fuck, most of those people do absolutely nothing but whine and complain and drink and fret and implode, but it has to come from somewhere and just because drinking is relaxing to you, do you really think it is for everyone?

You might think I'm talking about myself here, but I'm not, it could be anyone, it could be you, but even if I were, I wouldn't tell you because that would be just one more thing to use against me. People love love LOVE to use stuff against other people, makes them feel so warm and fizzy fuzz inside you know, not that I would care because really at the end of the day it's like you are all make believe and maybe so am I. I'll let you make your suppositions on your own time, your own dime, whatever or however you want to put it, and you can't say that I had anything to do with it because my words come with one big disclaimer that basically says "you don't know", but you know THAT because I just told you.

So you get to sit and watch me critique the world like I know shit about anything, but best of all is when the critique comes back at me... funny since I'm just a two-dimensional photograph in your world.

Holy crapduck, I fucking hate Musicals.

pathetic is keeping your beer out on your balcony because it stays nice and cold and then realizing that condensation has frozen the balcony door shut, preventing you from grabbing one of said cold beers. Then you actually drink the one solitary indoor beer, with ice. Loser.

WOOOOOO! WOOOOO! WOOOOO! THUNK

O.K. so it's Thursday. What exactly is irritating me today? Let me think...
I know. I've noticed a few blogs where every single picture of the person looks something like this:



Look how much I love you, so willing to look like a total twat to illustrate a point. Now you people who think this makes you look vibrant and peppy and exciting and fun, it doesn't. You look daft. This look screams "I'm the one who NEVER FUCKING SHUTS UP EVER. EVER. Oh yes I mean EVER. I was about to type "You know who you are" but actually, they don't. The self-appointed life of the party never quite gets how annoying they are to everyone else. In case you're thinking something rotten about me right now, oh I know how annoying I am. But it's totally not in the same way and YOU KNOW IT.



That was tiring.

steaming heaps 'o turdish delight

My boobs hurt so much today that I can hardly stand to be awake. I've felt angry a lot lately. I was going to try to find interesting pictures to download but other than the rollerskating kids everything is porn no matter what you type in and that is quite frankly very ZZZZZZZ like get over it already wankjobs. See I can't even type here without being angry, everybody bugs me with all the stupid things they say and do. I bet there is 4, maybe 5 people tops who don't bug me right now. I bet out of those 4, maybe 5 people I only know 2 of them. If you are trying to figure out if you are one of them, you're too sensitive.



Don't you love reading comments on blogs that are all kiss ass and "wow I so understand where you are coming from and I love you and everything you say and hang in there and blah blah blah". I mean positive is good but there is a fine line, actually no it's not a fine line it's a pretty fucking obvious line between self-respect and vomitorium. I don't usually get those which is good, but when I read those comments on other blogs I cringe because obviously these people are the same people in high school who would literally eat shit to hang out with the popular crowd and who would have thought they would still be cramming those steamy heaping loads down their throats however many years later?

I'm a dweller. It's a really shitty thing about me, I don't forget things. I wouldn't make a good christian in that respect with the forgive and forget nonsense, or maybe I would because I don't believe they do that for one second. I will seriously start thinking about something that has nothing to do with anything anymore and get myself all pissed off. Whatever blah blah blah....

If I had anything to say I would say it but clearly I do not which is incredibly pathetic because I am not of an age where I should have nothing going on, the fact I just wrote "I am not of an age" means someone should hit me now for sounding like such a pompous dillhole.



P.S. I have some poetry being published in Poetry Canada which would be cool if poetry weren't for goth girls and femme boys and people with too many cats and folks who throw wine tasting parties and pretend to understand way more than they actually do. If I sound ungrateful, I'm not, so don't even.

P.P.S. if this font is all weird don't blame me. Blogger does whatever it wants. If not, then nevermind.

P.P.P.S. It's a phone.

yeah so tell me how you do a roller skating movie with so little real rollerskating happening, I mean not very impressive, but I guess this is what happens when you cast mini rap stars. You'd think when someone was doing a supposedly awesome and great roller routine, you'd at least show their feet and I don't think this is asking too much but no, they'd focus in on their faces and their stupid arm movements, so really, if you are in the mood for a roller skating movie, Roll, Bounce is just going to disappoint you. Maybe I can find a copy of Roller Boogie somewhere.

The french onion soup on the other hand, was truly stellar.

Saying "I have a short attention span" is a polite way of avoiding telling someone you don't want to hear them yap yap yapping anymore.


I can't take credit for these photos, because they come off this site where this person randomly downloads people's pics from Kazaa etc. I don't remember the site they come from, but I am going to do that too because I am nosy and people are retarded.


Remember how I said I was in the mood for a roller skating movie? I'm going to watch Roll, Bounce tonight because it's a roller skating movie that will probably be crap but I like crap movies that don't make you think even more than I like good movies that you think about for a lifetime. I will eat French Onion soup while watching and maybe drink some red wine (that I will also add to the soup). Best night ever in store. I wish I could invite you, but I don't like to share my food.

Here is my first Kazaa discovery. Sassy.

I'm in the mood for a roller skating movie.

I'm not feeling the blog these days.

So last night we went out. I realized once again that the problem with going out is that I spend all my money. We did write a song though...



Flashlight Flipper Babies

Flashlight flipper baby crawling down the hall
hasn't any legs at all (2x)

popping thalidomide
day and night
birthed a flipper baby
with a flashlight

flashlight flipper babies
sitting in the sun
flapping their flippers
scaring everyone

Flashlight flipper baby crawling down the hall
hasn't any legs at all (2x)

manufactured bird flu
flipper baby, boo hoo
mommy doesn't love you
flipper babies in the zoo

flashlight flipper baby
maybe not so ordinary
here they come
better run

Flashlight flipper baby crawling down the hall
hasn't any legs at all (2x)

I just walked home with this big gayass umbrella that looked liked it had been stomped on. We have probably 4 umbrellas but ALL our umbrellas look like that for some unknown reason. Today that is the biggest thing I have to complain about but the day is still young so even though I should be glad that that is my biggest problem, it still annoys me.

The other thing annoying me is that I still haven't gotten my last cheque from the barn. Typical, and completely what I expected, thanks for reaffirming my decision to quit.

Later, we will argue about furniture arranging. My life is so exciting, I don't know how you can read this and not kill yourself out of jealousy.

the place is almost done so I will probably have the time and energy to blog again. Let's hope I have something to say.