wow I really look chubby in this pic! I don’t think I’m actually anywhere near this pudgy, especially in the face. Anyway…. leaving for the trip tomorrow, I am looking forward to this LOTS! I think I am way more excited about this trip than anyone else; I just love it there, it really gets my head in order and I could use that.

It appears I will not have cell reception there… and no internet unless I go to what they call a library. And that’s really not why I’m going there; the idea is to remove myself from all aspects of everyday life. So it’s doubtful I’ll be able to post anything while I am away. I plan to be doing a lot of hiking, picture taking, whale watching, seafood eating, beachcombing, fire sitting arounding, outdoor reading and then more hiking. There is some awesome hiking to be had, hope I don’t fall off any cliffs! Also hoping I can get together with some friends I used to see every summer but now haven’t seen since I was 16… shit, that’s 25 years ago!

oh hey, I haven’t been smoking for 2.5 weeks now…things are looking up every single day, I feel really positive about all my plans!

in 2 days I'll be on my way to a place that appears to have limited internet access and zero cell phone capability. This is going to be great!!

I can’t decide if I should move in the very near future (because I don’t really like where I am now) or if I should wait a couple of years when I will have a greater ability to really move ANYWHERE I want to. I wouldn’t want to move twice in the next few years… but living where I am now is driving me crazy. It would be easier to decide if I were a renter I think, I moved every time the wind changed when I was renting.

Sometimes the idea of just disappearing really appeals to me. It must cross the mind of most people at one time or another. It’s really the only way you can ever actually start over… by just picking yourself up and high-tailing it somewhere new. I suppose that is really a bit of a coward’s way out of life though isn’t it… and doesn’t do too much for your character.
I want to take a road trip across the U.S. next year… anyone want to join me?

i should make some more videos....

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking over the past year, A LOT. I know what sort of life I want to have, the sort of life I’ve always wanted, ever since I was young. There are some common elements of desire that have never gone away over the years, and it’s a shame I’ve never pursued my own goals and plans very fully.

Yes, in the past, I’ve always adjusted myself to what would work best for everyone around me. I think though, I’ve reached an age and a life situation where I can actually and genuinely start to get more serious about the ideas and hopes that I have and really work on putting into motion the plans that will give me the life that I want.

I think that my goals might surprise a lot of people. I’m a lot simpler at heart than you might think. I’m the kind of person who would like to grow their own food, raise animals, get dirty being outside. Somewhere after age 14 that sort of went away and for some reason these possibilities for my life seemed very impossible. I feel like now is the time to get my act together, you know?

Is this a midlife crisis? Is that what that means? You suddenly (or not so suddenly) realize that there are a ton of things you never did that you really wanted to? I mean, this doesn’t feel like a crisis so much as a self slap in the head, a kind of “wake up asshole, why aren’t you living where you want, doing what you want, enjoying your life and whoever is in it?” So I’m not sure this can count so much as a crisis as it counts as a fully getting fed up with yourself. I don’t plan to buy a sports car and pick up younger sex partners, I’m not looking to buy flashy clothes or party like I’m 19. I mean jesus, I just want a garden, a horse and some goddamned chickens! I want to be able to have a fire in my backyard and have friends over to enjoy the fresh air and open spaces! Is that so much to ask for?

I can’t wait until vacation time. 2 weeks to go. I’m really looking forward to this trip with D. Because we both love taking photos I think this is going to be a great adventure; there is so much to photograph where we are going and it’s such an amazingly relaxed and laid-back location it should be completely rejuvenating. There are so many hiking possibilities each resulting in amazing photographic opportunities, and I think we’ll probably go whale watching too, which is something we’ve never done before. This will be the longest and furthest trip we’ve taken together (I guess it’s actually the first “real” trip we’ve taken) and I’m excited!

yesterday I went and drove by a house for sale that just instantly gave me that feeling of home. The whole area was actually pretty magnificent; quiet, rolling, peaceful and so green! The property was lovely; I could totally see fulfilling my eventual destiny of crazy loner animal lady there, I mean I absolutely had the vision!

Yet, it's not to be. Turns out the place just sold. In fact, it just sold yesterday. In the meantime, I'm going to keep looking, I'm sure there's another place that is going to be perfect for me.

I want my privacy for awhile, not sure for how long. I’m taking a pass on the blog for a bit (yet again). It’s not really that important anyway. I’ve realized that all these things (blogs, facebook, etc.) don’t enhance our lives but sometimes add to the challenges. I don’t want that.

I feel a sense of relief at getting my life back . Here’s a fucking facebook status for you: “is no longer on facebook spewing drivel and providing you with the minutiae of her day. Mind your own business and she will too.”