Just a couple of things I've been working on. They make me happy!!

so as you have probably noticed, I've been all over the place lately, lots weighing on my mind. I've been making myself sick actually... I've had the worst health ever in the past few months, been anxious with tons of panic attacks... things I thought I was over. It's not been fun. I realize and see what I need to do to move myself forward now. My expectations for my life need to be met by ME. I forget that sometimes, get caught up in the chaos of interactions you know? And ultimately, we cannot control anything but what we ourselves do. With a few digressions, I have basically conducted myself in a loving and honest way. That's all I can do. That's all any of us can hope to do really. Then, you can only hope that the same is returned to you. It isn't always, is it. I've neglected friends, I've neglected myself, I've cut myself off from people for no good reason really... I want to live for the now. So.... I've decided FUCK the past, today can only be what I make it, so I'm going to start making it what I want. Tomorrow... well that never comes so they say, right? So fuck that too.

Step one starts now.

here’s breakfast today…. yes those are 2 little chocolate houses. Yes, these photos bite ass. I'm tired and it's my phone, give me a break.



this tea smells amazing. Totally makes me want a blanket and a fireplace and someone to cuddly up with. (cuddly up with? I meant cuddle. Cuddly is a little too cutesy puke, even for me)



Surprise! The houses aren’t empty, this actually really did startle me, my mind was completely prepared for just a solid chocolate house experience.

I made a decision to pull down my rant from a couple of days ago because ultimately, I need to deal with my personal life personally, right? In retrospect, it seemed disrespectful to him to post what I did here.

OK, thanks, that's all.

wow you Greenpeace people sure are not much more than a giant pain in people’s asses aren’t you…get the fuck over yourselves would you?

Oh and here’s a suggestion to you “greenies” in Copenhagen discussing climate change (and don’t even get me started on that).

Ever heard of video conferencing? Now THERE would be a way to show that you ACTUALLY believed what you were saying and actually INTENDED to make a supposed difference, instead of FLYING in from all over the world leaving your own “carbon footprint” or whatever stupid name they’ve given it.

Seriously, if I ever see an "activist" who is REALLY doing something useful for the world other than protest by climbing around on a building or banging a fucking drum or dancing with the sun and mother earth while chewing granola seeds and pretending it's 1969 I might drop fucking dead from surprise.

sushi tonight so starvation all day. Hopefully i don't choke to death on this cough.

boyfriend's grandfather died yesterday. Not a happy thing, I wish I could make him feel better.

hi toronto, how've ya been? haven't seen ya for awhile, not sure if i missed you yet... let's park on cheese level...



ah fuck it, you know what, i was going to write a little blurb for each photo and organize them into some sort of cohesive timeline but really who the fuck cares, right? Here you go, make of it what you will.

so Barbara Walters thinks Kate Gosselin is one of the most fascinating people of the year? REALLY?

All it takes to become fascinating is to drop a litter like a common dog, flaunt your bitchy, overbearing personality on tv until you drive your pipsqueak of a husband to donning Ed Hardy douchery in an effort to assert some manhood, whore out your children on a tv show nobody with a brain should even care about, essentially exist as a the best birth control advertisement ever, and then pathetically scramble to remain relevant when it all starts to fall apart? (O.K. so maybe I've seen TMZ once or twice...)

When did we decide that watching people living lives we could have too (if we made all the wrong decisions) was FASCINATING?

I don’t get it.

On a side note, what is with people shittily remaking songs that were already shitty the first time around? Like we really needed some slow jam R&B version of I want to know what love is? Oh Christ, it’s Mariah Carey you say? STINKVILLE!!

Do I look unhappy?



I look like a blob of black mess with a face... I'm at work today after two days off sick and still don't feel 100%. On the plus side, I haven't been smoking for the past two days and figure I might as well just keep it up. I mean really, my smoking is probably contributing to my numerous takedowns by flu/cold etc. this year. That and stress.

I'm my own worst enemy, sigh. As a teenager, I cared a lot less about everything. Sure, I suppose that's normal. But now, I care too much about everything. It is slowly driving me crazy.

You'd think at 41 I'd have worked some of this stuff out, right?

Here are a few Pow Wow shots. I seriously feel too sick to write anything to go with these.

ugh ive been sick for two days now. CAN'T be bothered with anything.

Sometimes you get blessed with amazing sunsets...



I think I prefer sunset to sunrise, although sunrise can offer a different sort of color variety.



A tribute to fishermen, it doesn't seem as though I really live near enough to anywhere that fishing would have been a viable career option, but it would seem I do.



I like rusty things. Sometimes I feel like a rusty thing.



how awkward, every other bench of people facing the opposite way...



Funny how the word shattered really sounds like what it looks like...



I actually felt sorry for this pathetic cob of corn...



but this one was actually kind of cute.

These trips all sound amazing!! I think this is going to be the focus of my vacation plans for next year.

Now to save the money, decide which one is the most appealing and get over the fear of flying! I'm feeling excited making the decision to work towards this in the coming year... I've never planned a proper vacation before but this seems definitely worth it!! I've always wanted to go to Arizona.

just heard the following story at work:

“…so we went to her co-worker’s father’s funeral on Saturday and then on Sunday his mother died. Isn’t that awful? I mean they were 87 but still…”

and I couldn’t help but think that it really didn’t sound that awful at all, not for the parents anyway.

On a different note, I bought one of these



without looking closely at the label, primarily because all over the packaging it says “fresh brewed” and “full of antioxidents” and “natural” blah blah blah. Well, just as I thought, most food companies are the same, because sure, it’s lovely that you have all this goodness in here, but when I finally looked at the label I also noticed that the SECOND ingredient after tea is high fructose corn syrup.

Sorry, in my book, that negates any and all benefits that might be in this bottle of worthless ass growing potion. sigh.

Went to a Pow Wow yesterday, I’ve never been to one before. Pretty interesting actually and it’s always fun to put yourself in scenarios where you feel very out of place, I think so anyway. I’ll post some pictures tomorrow, didn’t have time to get them off the camera today. I only wish it could have been outside, would have made for better pictures.

I’m nearly crippled today due to the fact that I spent the day wandering the Pow Wow wearing these



my Michael Kors Aquarius boots which I absolutely LOVE but which are NOT designed for walking all day long in my opinion. The heels are much higher than they look in this picture. They are wonderfully and unexpectedly comfortable for a few hours and then complete torture after that.

I own exactly 2 “designer” items in my wardrobe, these boots and a Heatherette bomber jacket which I bought for the hearts and rainbows. I’m far too cheap to blow hundreds of dollars on clothes generally. Anyway, you can usually find much cooler stuff used, right?

It just occurred to me that I am lacking in personal style; I pretty much wear what i feel like on a given day and there is no real "theme" or cohesiveness to my look from day to day; sometimes it couldn't even be called a style so much as a painfully obvious I don't care mess. I suppose I could try harder but meh, I just can't be bothered most days. Who wants to spend time picking the "right" outfit, fixing their hair and face just to go buy cat litter? I mean, I really don't give a crap if anyone notices me or not at the grocery store. I'd be a good candidate for one of those makeover shows but given my age would probably end up with an "age appropriate" soccer mom or mid-level executive bob and that is definitely where I draw the line.

I suppose it's partly that I can't embrace any one particular style "lifestyle"; you know, most "looks" are tied up into some sort of overall way of being and I stopped being that way after high-school.



They were serving these Indian taco things at the Pow Wow yesterday and I regret not getting one now…I think I’ll try making them sometime. I’m starving right now and could totally go for a food porn session but there’s nobody here to talk food with, sucks.

Nothing new here kids.



Just me with bangs. Again. I guess we're going to have a long relationship.