I Stand For Absolutely Nothing At All

Last night I dreamt about the Land of the Lost. Actually, I dreamt about watching the Land of the Lost. I'm guessing this means my life is now officially pathetic, dreaming about watching fucking tv. Don't you hate people who use italics for emphasis, assuming the reader is too stupid to figure out which part of a statement is meant to be emphasized? Actually, it's not such a bad assumption, since I've noticed most people have the reading ability of a fourth grader. Nobody seems to read anymore, except for online and let me tell you, that's not really reading mister.

It's valentine's day. Whoop de fucking doo. Buy a fucking present for your (insert appropriate descriptor here) any day of the year, why get sucked into buying some cheesy card that 500 other people in your town got, and why buy candy that is "special" only because it comes in a tacky heart shaped box which kind of represents a sick sort of sentiment if you ask me, and stuffed animals are the biggest waste of money ever and you should have a good collection of them by the time you are 12 and be thinking about how to cull the herd NOT add to it.

Whatever, I hope all you guys who spend a ton of money on that harpie you call a girlfriend actually get laid for a change as a result. Good luck on that. I'm betting if you don't spend at least $100 bucks PLUS dinner, your chances are reduced.

Here's what you should really get if you want to go the traditional route with a twist of reality.

A card that says:

Roses are red
Violets are blue
start sucking me off
or I will dump you.

A box of chocolates with a note saying:

Eat this box of chocolates and put some meat on your bones you scrawny bitch. Stop buying US magazine and feeling bad about yourself, and the next time you order a fucking salad when we go out for dinner, you are dumped. Men LIKE a girl who eats and they like to eat what's on your plate too. Get a clue. Lots of love.

A stuffed bear with a note saying:

Honey, I've loosened the stitches around Teddy's head so that the next time you psychotically freak out over something stupid I've done, Teddy's head will pop off easily for you when you attack him in anger and you won't even break a nail.

Happy Valentine's Day Lovers!