Blah, Too Serious

I've always been a little weak of character, and it's a flaw I'm aware of but haven't done a whole lot about. I've spent a lot of time drinking, smoking weed and generally just being, quite frankly, a loser. It's not that these things make me neglectful of my work or responsibilities so much as it contributes to my relationship decisions. I think the hardest part about it is that I KNOW these things create problems, affect personalities and contribute to arguing and poor decision making. The other person doesn't always see it that way. I suppose my words are misinterpreted as angry, even though I try to make sense and be rational. Communication is difficult, really, when emotion is involved. Sometimes you just want to be heard though.

I think I sometimes have a hard time believing that someone else might actually not see it the way I do. It seems so obvious. I have some very basic relationship guidelines; trust, honesty and respect. I think when you live with someone, you owe them these things, and you owe them some level of accountability. It comes with the territory. Maybe I'm wrong and have always been. I'm starting to think so, because my way never leads to anything too terribly lasting (though I did manage a 5 year relationship which quite honestly is a pretty damn good record these days, although again if I'm being honest, a lot of it was chaotic). I suppose most of it has to do with my being with men younger than me. I suppose girls in their 20's haven't neccessarily figured themselves out yet and don't have the same expectations, or maybe they enjoy turmoil; I seem to recall drama featuring in most relationships I saw/was in during my 20's.

What it comes down to though is that I don't want to be part of a glorious mess, I don't want to coast along in party mode all the time, not anymore, it's vacant and empty and being someone who's now standing on the other side of having done so before, can say it leaves you feeling like you've wasted so much time. Life is uncertain enough, some things you have every power to bring some peace to, and in such simple ways too. Funny, it takes so long for most of us to realize that. And once you do, it's even harder to put it into practice. Wanting this just makes you come off as a miserable ass though, when the people around you don't want it too. Or maybe they want it in a different way that you don't understand.

Fuck it, I'm not Dr. Phil.