Blaim It On The Haim

Dear Corey Haim,

I saw you on an episode of Big Wolf on Campus. I happen to like that show. I thought it was very ballsy of you to play YOURSELF as a vampire and way to bag Lori from Tommy in an attempt to make her your vampire bride. It's too bad they killed you. You are a little bit chubby now though... I guess you've stopped the blow?

I didn't like how in a later episode Corey Feldman showed up looking for you. Dude's been riding your coattails since the 80's... everybody knows he was the ugly one. And by ugly I mean hung out with Michael Jackson. And also I mean ugly. In the traditional sense.