It's pretty funny to me, always has been, how people see me. It's never in a way that reflects who I actually am.

I put up a lot of walls, it's true. I've had lots of reasons over the years, I suppose we all do. I think it's easier if people just think I'm superficial; shallow and unconcerned with anything of importance in the world, interested in clothes and such (ha, writing that just made me laugh, I am SO inept at fashion!) It keeps me from having to address things, it keeps people at a casual and comfortable distance.

Of course it starts to backfire when I start to let the real me show. It's almost like they don't want to see it, don't want to accept it. I MUST be the way they always interpreted me to be, I could never be anything but, nothing has ever indicated otherwise, so anything I say or do to the contrary MUST be false.

How does this make sense? We all make our own realities and even if we are lying, in some way that becomes our truth. Because right now is actually the only real moment isn't it? Past experiences shape us, but we can only truly experience what is happening RIGHT NOW. Everything else is memory or anticipation.


Some days I like to read intelligent, educational non-fiction. I particularly love reading about sociological issues; poverty, race relations, mental illness. But you know what else I LOVE reading? US and Hello and all those other gossip rags. I don't care if that makes me look stupid, it's ENJOYABLE. I like watching documentaries, probably more than any other kind of film. But I also LOVE America's Next Top Model, Desperate Housewives, TMZ. I refuse to pretend I DON'T like those things just to maintain some sort of intelligent credibility. But you'd be making a big mistake if you assumed that those programs fully defined me.

I guess what I am saying is that take everything you see and hear and read from people (me) with a grain of salt because although you may have an accurate impression of them (me) AT THAT EXACT MOMENT IN TIME, you most certainly do not know them at all.

I like what Tony says; Nothing in here is true. That may in fact be the truest statement on the human condition I've read in a long time.

you see the photos up there?  An illusion.  I don't look like that every day.  I don't look like that most of the time, even when I try (when isn't very often).  Do you want to know the truth?  

Because I like to illustrate my posts occasionally with photos of myself, I will do a 5 minute makeup job, throw something on that strikes me as working that day and snap 10 or so shots for about 15 minutes.  Sorry if that doesn't sound plausible, it's exactly what happens. And then, I don't take photos of myself for weeks, even months.  That is also true.  Thus explaining why you're getting this photo which is clearly from the same photo set I posted a month ago.