I feel like a fraud. I had a boyfriend once who told me he felt like a fraud, I don't think we feel/felt that way for the same reasons but it popped into my head today, his saying that. Probably that fraud was more to do with us, I don't know. Don't get me wrong, I don't particularly care anymore, but at the time and for some time after, I really tried to figure out what that meant and why that would be.
I lose a lot in the relationship game, you've probably noticed that if you've read this for any length of time. For sure it's my own fault, through my choices and then my actions and my interactions and my inability to trust that anyone will see the value in my companionship and that's just stupid of course, all those self-help people tell you you have to see the value in your own damn self first right? Most of us have trouble with that and let's face it, other people make it damn hard to see sometimes, they hog that mirror don't they, getting in the way of seeing.
I don't believe in karma, well I didn't, but maybe I do now because when I look back over things, I see a lot of what could be interpreted as karmic payback going on for me. I wonder why the other parties don't ever seem to be paying anything back though? That's what makes me doubt. Well, that and the fact that I believe we are in charge of our own destiny, choose your own adventure and that sort of thing. Thus far I guess I just haven't been that good in choosing which page to turn to next you know? I get too eager to find out the conclusion and don't really think over the options before turning and miss a lot of the key components of the story, the little clues that help you go forward.
You've probably done that too, right?
The disconnect between idea and action, it's a common thing for me. I don't know, I mean I truly don't know how to get what I want. Where do you learn that skill? I seem to do one of two things in this life, I either sabotage or I withdraw. Both are hiding tactics really, avoidance tactics even and you can't expect that to actually work can you? People need to speak up but I've learned it's easier to just shut up. I feel so silent all the time though, I am so silent all the time, my personality has leaked right out of me, where did it go, come on you all must have noticed?
At heart I really am a peaceful, mellow and accepting person, it's in there somewhere waiting to not get knocked down. That's not exactly right I guess, maybe I'm at my best when I'm challenging and questioning and considering, not beaming out the hippie dip acceptance trip.
Crap, is this some kind of pre-menopausal hormonal blow out? I don't know, I've always been an over-thinker. I think it all fell apart when I was about 15 and the anxiety and the uncertainty and the timidness came to call and never fucking stopped couch surfing my brain after that.
I'm the fun chick that you hang with for awhile, not the chick you long for and daydream about and make grand gestures to. I don't know, is that shit for real anyway? Maybe not after grade 9. And is that what I really want? I never thought so I guess and it could be that I don't. Actually, these days, I'm not even the fun chick, I'm aware of that.
Getting older doesn't magically reveal any answers to you, hey? It just makes the quest to find the answers feel a little more desperate and urgent.
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