Hungover Like You're 37

Thanks for the delish pizza, Mr. weird name Pizza man. In other news, I have a righteous hangover and also the shits, formerly known in kinder, gentler times as the trots. It's also a bajillion degrees in here, and all I have to drink is Apple juice.



Also, the kitten peed on my bed. Again.

Hanging Out Like You're 17

So last night we basically hung out and drank and listened to the results of a drunken "jam session" which as it turns out is probably only listenable when drunk or high.



Got two terrific wash and sets done though. Made 12.00 in tips.

Fatass PVC Man

I actually picked up a newspaper and noticed this retarded article about women grilling on the barbeque. I guess this is a new thing? Anyway, apparently women can't barbeque without pink and cutesy accessories. Funny thing is, women are just silly enough to go out and spend 100 bucks on gay ass barbeque ensembles.

I'm bored by this story, so I'll stop.

Once, we found this freak on one of those phone lines and brought him over to a party as a party favour. This dork wore a PVC dress of mine (which he ruined with his fat ass), a ball gag and was tied to a chair in a corner for the duration of the party. He later wanted to be blackmailed with the pictures we took. He was a freaking Catholic high school teacher. No surprise there.

A few years later an insecure and dumbass boyfriend of mine threatened to blackmail me with them. "I'm sending them to your parents". Well he didn't even have them, I destroyed them and he proved he was a big Cunt.

That was probably the worst story I've ever written. No energy whatsoever.

ROWR

Ten Feet Tall, I Tell Ya

Miss American Teenager looks about 40 in these drawings.

Hey, give me a break, I got nothing.

Meeyow

Yesterday we got a second cat. Now my blog sounds like that of a 12 year old. Not that it didn't before...

Humongous Rock Star of the Universe

This explains a lot. OH NO, am I making fun of retarded people again? No, I'm making fun of Meatloaf. hmmm.... come to think of it then, maybe I am.

GRMPH

I've been at the cottage and I took the cameras but didn't really end up taking pictures and mostly it was just an escape to clear my head a little bit but I was still a little cranky even there and now I wish I'd stayed a bit longer because it was cooler up there than in here since it seems my air conditioning is not working properly and I am one of those people who is all about "Colder, NOW!" when it's a gajillion degrees out because I refuse to sleep all sweaty just to pretend I am one of those people who is cool because they were born for summertime and therefore I don't do my part to conserve electricity.

Idiots are the new People

I had this friend who used to change her name all the time, usually to match the name of some tv or movie character she was enamoured with. I haven't seen her for awhile, so it occurs to me that I don't know my friend's name anymore.

I can't fucking stand Hess Village, the local cesspool of metrosexual, Vince Vaughn cool wannabe guys and "my self-worth is directly related to how many hours I spend utilizing Cosmo makeup tips before I come out" girls, and I swear, when you go there, you can choose between accepting a loss in brain cells or bringing a fucking machine gun to mow them all down. I don't really want to go to jail, so I try to stay away. Too bad I live in the neighborhood.

I did learn one thing there though, it isn't a good time until some cuntfuck yells "Wooh" for no good reason other than maybe they'll piss their pants later or forget where they put their customized dickmobile or because they actually saw cleavage. Fuck, people try so hard to be the US magazine version of cool, and it's pitiful. I wonder how many of those bungfucks wax their balls? I bet I can get those asshats to pose for degrading pics though. I might try it sometime soon.

I'm going to be a great old lady, because I've already got the crotchety and judgemental part down.

Dyslexia

I saw this headline - Darfur violence drops but rapes persist - and for about 30 seconds thought it said - Dwarf violence drops but rapes persist - and honestly, I was a little creeped out. My door will be locked tonight. Just in case. Oh, and since when is rape not violence?

Scary. Life Size. Romantic. Impressive.

Please, please, PLEASE if you ever owned the fake facial hair, I have got to see a photo. Seriously. I'll die if I don't. Really.

Isn't it nice, sugar and spice, luring disco dollies to a life of vice

When I was in high school, (see above), I guess I thought I was bad or something, because I got into the habit of sneaking out at night. There would always be parents away somewhere, so there was an endless supply of illicit and underage partying to be had. ( I lived in Dundas, which had many semi-rich families who travelled a lot.)

I was super overprotected. No, that's the wrong word. I was super watched. It's like they anticipated my misbehaviour. This is the part where I should be getting all angry and self-righteous, but not being 16 anymore, I understand they were right. But that didn't matter. There were parties to attend, and I was going.

The first house I sneaked out of was a toughy. I had to pass the parent's room, go down the stairs, through the laundry room, and prop the door open as I left or I'd be locked out. Yeah, now I know I left the house vulnerable to serial killers and meth addicts, but then it was just about not getting locked out.

Only once did I ever get caught there. And in the end, it wasn't really caught. Because they caught me going back upstairs to my room. And thought I was sneaking downstairs to watch tv.
"Don't you dare put that damn tv on and keep me awake. Get back in your room!" Gladly.

The second house was designed just for me. It must have been. I had TWO ground level windows to access. Take off the screen, tuck it under the bed. Pull up the blinds to the very top and lock. Open window... climb out, goodbye!

This was terrific until the morning my mother came in and said, "Next time you want to sneak out, use the damn door!"

Yeah, it rained that night, and it pretty much looked like trolls had been walking on the wall. Stupid. That did however, open the floor to curfew talks, so I suppose it came out right.

Fuck! The Ice tea sweat all over my new magazine. I'm done telling this story.

Roll, Bounce, Rock, Skate

Yeah, I got roller skates. I wish I could share tales of all the wild, seventies style rollin' fun I've been having, but I can't even stand up in them very well. And they hurt my ankles.

I hate stupid Sesame Street for making me feel old because most of the muppets have the wrong voices, I guess people died and even worse is that they try so hard to cater to all the uptight bitch moms that exist these days and want Cookie Monster to talk about how great asparagus is and fuck nobody can be a kid anymore it seems, you might get hurt or something.

Day Passer's Night Out

We managed to take such uniformly terrible photographs that I decided to stop taking them off the camera, so here are just a few of the bad photographs of our evening out for you to look at.







I wish I could still order some of this stuff from the back of the comic book I have here. I would really like to have the Monster Ghost or maybe the Hot Pepper gum would be more fun and it was also cheaper although I remember thinking 30¢ was a real damn fortune. Why the hell is there no cents key on a computer keyboard? If the dollar sign can be right there, the cents sign shouldn't have to be in the character map.

I am very messy and often quite lazy and have no problem functioning surrounded by many things which need attention that I have chosen not to give. This sometimes includes people, although not very often. Mostly, it's dishes.



I run a very good back alley hair salon.

Coffee Table Analysis

what does it say about me?



A. Playstation 2
B. Melon burst air freshener, socks, paint chip, fortune cookies, "the buttons"
C. Free books, including Photo Love comic style book
D. Sad Sack comic circq 1977, Lomo camera, Chinese food receipt, bag of soy sauce packets
E. Phone, ashtry, mug, smokes, Mastermind game
F. Pokemon movies, Fatal Frame Playstation game, Gallop Racer, Kung Fu Movie
G. Smelly stuff except for Potpourri which hasn't held a smell for about 2 years now



New chair waiting to be redone.

For a minute there I thought someone was pounding on the door, but turns out it was just the gunfire in GTA San Andreas.

I wish I could write pretty, but the world just won't let me.

Trust is a bit of a fool's game. It requires you to believe that circumstances will never change. That sort of blind belief is akin to religion, another fool's game.



I remember watching Oprah one day. She is so helpful. That day I learned that YES, sometimes black men are gay, but they keep it on the "down low". They got to tell their stories in darkness and with modified voices. Oprah really stays in touch with what's important. Maybe she'll be the first black AND female President. Maybe she already is, and is just keeping it on the "down low".



Does anybody give a fuck about what I have to say, when even I don't?



I went out the other night. People are fucking ridiculous. I got to listen to a bunch of drunken numbnuts try to best each other with their stories of getting into fights. "I'm crazy, man, I fuckin' turtled that dude. I was all like YEAH, you better run... man I'm crazy!" Actually no, you're just a somewhat overweight, beer filled turd who probably spends thousands of dollars hotting up your car. Hint: The car is NEVER going to fuck you, and probably neither will a woman. Another thing: I don't know what turtled means, but it sounds pretty homoerotic.



I also think chicks who shriek "Oh my god!" and race at each other like dehydrated dogs to drink have low I.Q.'s. The hugging 'til they topple over clinches it.



Once upon a time, I might have thought I was Siouxie Sioux. I got over it.

They Say

a picture is worth a thousand words. I suppose if you're two, it's more like 20.

Too Hot

It's too hot to write. Work is going to be hellishly hot today.

Can't hear

It's like I'm 4 or something, I seem to have an ear infection. My ear feels all full and I feel partially deaf and now I have to go to the doctor which I hate. Who the hell gets an ear infection after the age of 5?

Bah.

Ugh, this is pathetic. It seems that every month or so I hit this sort of wall where I actually feel like I have NO thoughts and nothing is even remotely interesting although I do understand that it is just me and there are as many possibilities today as there ever were. I have a headache every single day and I doubt it's a tumour, it's probably stress because I am one of those clowns who stresses over absolutely nothing; I actually do really well when there are real issues at hand, but seem to need to construct issues when all is relatively calm, I guess my brain is a drama queen although these days I am decidedly not.

Sometimes I feel this horrible pressure to be creative, like I'll disappoint myself if I don't feel like I have made some sort of statement. The trick is to not make the same statement over and over again I guess...something I tend to do.

I'm drinking a beer and it's only 12:30. I also don't notice typos until much after the fact.

Nothing To Say

I'm A Swinger

Knock, Knock.

We used to get pretty bored back in high school and when you are bored and don't have all that much money to spend, you tend to do things that fall more into the category of causing trouble than into the category of good clean fun. O.K. so maybe the good kids were learning guitar and going to dance class and having nice dinners with mom and dad and generally learning how to be proper and decent citizens, but whatever.

There were 2 activities that stick out in my mind. Actually, there's probably 4 or 5, but I'm only going to mention 2 today. One was dispensing gay newspapers to the mailboxes of rural and semi-rural homes. I like to think we were helping them broaden their horizons. *"My name is Carl the Cocksucker. I would love everybody to put their cock in my mouth. Is there anyone who is willing to bounce their beautiful cock in my face?" I've always wondered if anyone took up any of the ad offers.

The second was something we called The Bolt Trick. You see it pictured above, poorly rendered. We'd actually make plans to go do the Bolt Trick.

To do the Bolt Trick, you need thread, tape and of course, a bolt. You tie the thread through the bolt. Now comes the tricky part. You need to launch the bolt up and over a telephone wire, for leverage. Once you have accomplished this, you need to create a loop out of tape, one that will hold the bolt to a window, but still allow the bolt to be moved. Someone brave and stealthy needs to sneak up to your target window and apply the bolt.

Having parked your car across the street and a couple of doors down from the target, you then return to said car with your long length of thread. Pull the string. This knocks the bolt against the target's window. Generally, a rather frightened/irritated occupant comes out, trying to see who is tap tap tapping at their home.

You know, I remember this being funnier than it seems now that I've written about it.

*real personal from a Cruiseline for Men ad.

No Dirty Words

We got in trouble once or twice in grade 7 because we kept this note book where we would rewrite the lyrics to songs only we would make every song DIRTY and giggle because as you already know, dirty is funny. Then Mr. Lencz who I seem to remember was the math teacher, found the notebook and took it away and said something or other about how it is bad or wrong and I guess he thought we were really forward or something but he needs to know that HEY we had not much idea what the hell we were saying, we just knew it was funny because we used words like "boner" and "fuck" and "cum" and your reaction Mr. Lencz pretty much proved that we were right.

Shout Out to the Ritalin Generation

I'm really digging the Mars Volta CD I bought yesterday. Which is about 10 min. too late to qualify as someone in the know...if I only had a magazine for this sort of thing... which reminds me...


I picked up this obnoxious little magazine or 'zine if you will, called Scenester. Scenester! Do people really still identify with specific scenes? It's oh so informative about the clubbing lifestyle. And it has bikini boobies on the cover, so you know it's down with your shit. How very '94...


My favourite club description in this Korean magazine Glenn gave me is : "this place is triple gay to the max!" I think a lot of things are going to be triple gay to the max now.





Last night I dreamed someone tried to bust the windshield on my car with a baseball, but it only left a big baseball shaped dent in the glass.

Why are writers so smug? The non-alcoholic, non-mentally ill ones I mean? Smug is kind of an irritating word to even look at.

The Christian TV station is funny. They bleep out the word hell from sitcoms like Yes Dear. They also give away great prizes like "Bugtime Adventures" comics, which tell biblical stories via bugs. Cause that's what kids like, right?



Crap, that's a mystery that has kept me up nights. WHO dammit, WHO is missing?

Man, there are some fucking hoity toity thesaurus brained blogs out there. Do you people actually speak the way you write? I'm not a dummy but I find it hard to get through more than 2 sentences of overblown smartypants speak. I know its supposed to mean you are well educated and artistic and moody or some sort of higher being or something but christ, I'd have my fingers in my ears chanting "I can't hear you" if that's how you talk. And yes, that is immature. But I'd be drunk.

What's the point of swimming if you can't do synchronized swimming?

I always bring the classiest gifts.



Err... tuck your soul back in would ya? It's creeping me out.



We finally decided to hop in the pool and of course, it starts to thunder and lightning pretty violently. We got scared and hopped out. Yeah, we're pussies.

We Know Fun Like Nobody's Business

What would we do baby, without us? Sha La La La

In high school, my friend Lisa and I would meet just before the first bell, wait long enough for her parents to leave for work, and then go to her house. To watch Family Ties. I got a lot of detentions, but I also knew EXACTLY what was what with Mallory and the gang.

On a side note, the best search term someone used to get here this week was "rainbow brite party blowjob".

Japanese Man Sets Record in Pi Recitation

Now that's a hobby that will really take up your time.

Knowledge is Power, Akira Haraguchi!!