The Deep Down Crazies

Ok so this anxiety thing, I really didn't much want to write about it, I mean really, it's a sort of weakness and I don't want to be like a little old lady who sits around talking about her health woes. But at the same time I realized that anxiety has controlled me for nearly 30 years. THIRTY FUCKING YEARS! That's a fucking long time actually, and all things considered I haven't totally lost my fucking mind so...

My first anxiety attack may have been more of a mental breakdown in retrospect. I was 15. It happened about a week after a particularly traumatic event which I would prefer not to discuss here. It involved ambulances and everything (the anxiety attack). It also involved me agreeing with the paramedics when questioned and basically saying that yes I was stressed/worried about exams at school which was complete BS. I then when on to live for over a YEAR with a feeling of unreality, I seriously always felt vaguely not present, had an ever-present numb tingle down my spine and up over my head and thus began my ever since bouts with insomnia.

Layer on top of this my desire to hide it from everyone thereby requiring me to try to ACT normal and happy all the time and god knows why I didn't jump off a building or collapse into complete mental decay. But I didn't.

Self-medicating? Did lots of it. Mostly it backfires; hangovers, coming down, whatever you want to call the aftermath of that sort of thing, it always feels like the original anxious pain multiplied by 10. But at the same time, I guess that the moments where you get to escape the constant feeling of anxiety and insecurity made it seem worthwhile.

I am overly sensitive now; ok maybe not just now, it's been a long-time developing. I don't respond well to anger and impatience; it amplifies the pressures I already put on myself and overwhelms me.

I have overcome a lot of the anxiety. I have panic attacks that I would consider full-blown maybe 2-4 times per year at most. Believe me, this is great. It used to be several times per week. Again, let me reiterate, I changed this MYSELF, developed my own coping mechanisms (taking a cool shower, doing crossword puzzles, walking around) that didn't involve medication. But I've not been able to overcome the anxiety I feel at night or my inability to sleep well.  I'm also trying to cope with my apparent over-sensitivity.  I have made some progress although building up walls may not be the best technique.

I've tried everything imaginable that didn't involve medication. And now, NOW I am going to try medication. Because if I don't, I seriously think I will lose my mind. Again.