My Book Report

Today I have decided to review a really happening book I got for FREE at the Reuse Center. It is called Jesus. It does not have an author but was published at the request of the Home Mission Board. It has a far out cover, which really makes the reader feel like they should read it.


This book has a lot of chapters, but some stand out more than others. First, Splitting For Egypt.

Splitting for Egypt is full of suspense and makes a reader anxious to know what happens. I'm going to wreck it for you a little bit by telling you that what happens is "The Lord called his son out of Egypt." Heavy.

Next, Jesus Lays It on Them at the Temple.

I think this was one of the best parts of the book because Jesus really tells what is what, and his front man John the Baptist really backs it all up. It's deep and kind of makes you feel like this:

I liked that they put pictures of real people digging the word of god, and it really helped you understand that, hey man, this is real.

This leads to another chapter, Jesus Speaks Heavy Words about his Death. That pretty much sums it up. Death is heavy.

O.K. I'm doing four chapters. Near the end is Heavy Words. I know I keep saying it, but this book is just heavy. This part has little stories about different people who Jesus gives advice to and stuff.

In conclusion. I think you might want to read the book Jesus. It has a good story and lots of great pictures of groovy people just like you digging the word.

Dork Alert

Yeah, I actually watched Regis and Kelly today to see Carrot Top. I'm a loser, but hey, we all have things we like that are lame. Don't we?

Oh, and THIS looks promising. I wait with bated breath for the next installment.

In The Seventies

something like this:

was considered inspirational.

Now, something like this:


is considered inspirational, even though they typically show scenes of places you will never get to visit because you can't get a break at work and won't ever be paid enough to afford it. Then, as you hold that gun to your head, muttering the inspirational words from the poster you've stared at every day for 15 or so years, "Aspire to climb as high as you can dream", you realize that you never remember your dreams anyway and apparently the highest you can climb is the top of your building, so you jump instead.

I think "hang in there" is a much more attainable sort of inspirational goal. It implies getting through the day and then having a beer.

"God, You Are So Fucking Hot!"

Do you recognize this guy? In North America anyway, he was the host of one of those Hollywood gossip type shows. Apparently, he also likes to get freaky, as you're hearing now. Could this have possibly really turned on the recipient of the voice message? And he seemed so stodgy and dull on his show.

I read that he's currently in rehab. I'm currently creeped right out and may never feel sexual again. I'm also seriously considering leaving it on people's answering machines.

The Creampuff Courthouse Live On Stage

I was thinking about jazz dancing and all those twee little jazz dancing moves that exist and matching satin costumes, not uniforms, oh no, they are costumes. Then I thought about how I really hate jazz dancing. Does anyone even jazz dance anymore? I think now it's all about the hip hop moves and droppin' it and shit like that. Even ON BROADWAY. Serious.

I suppose not many people actually spend any time thinking about jazz dance and how it seems to have fallen out of favour. That is why I think it is important that I talk about it here. Even though I am not in favour of jazz dancing. And what I mean by that is that I think it is very gay. In the eighties meaning of the word gay. Because I think gay people think jazz dancing has lost a little of it's lustre too. It's a pretty universally obvious thing. And the costumes are not even that great anyway. The shoes are nothing special. And once, I had this instructor for jazz dancing who's name was Tom except he said it was "Thom...with an H, thank you very much", and he wore light blue leotards and would leap across the studio and it sort of made me feel angry for some unknown reason, I think it was his blonde hair and very white teeth and I could tell he was an "actor/waiter" even though I was young and he never said anything.

So, Jazz Dancing=No.

My Birthday

is in 1 week, and so, today, I will perfect my "stop time" machine. It's almost working, although that might just be in my head.

I got up Today

ate jellybeans for breakfast, got that stupid song about the fucking bag lady from however many eons ago stuck in my head for no good reason at all, followed a link to some stop poverty site which immediately lost me when I saw pompous fuck Bono's picture front and centre (which figures, since clearly he is going to save the world). I can't even have a smoke because I've left them in my car and obviously I'm not going 9 floors down just for them (at least not yet).

I think I should go back to bed now.

The Next Blog Button

Reveals all sorts of terrific gems. For example (each comment is from a different blog I found. One person could NEVER be so psychologically disabled on their own.):

About Me

I'm James and I live in the UK. I like playing guitar and singing, and other crap. I have no aspirations, so I guess I don't write those down.

Well, I guess if you don’t aim high, you’re never disappointed. And hey, I like other crap too!

A collection of erratic musings on mundane to exotic happenings in the life and times of Saket Vaidya aka Vulturo, The Prince of Darkness.

Dracula changed his name. It's Vulturo now. I guess that IS more modern. I thought you’d like to know.

20 year old college student who hates you.

Sometimes the world just falls into place. Turns out I hate 20 year old college students.

A rebel with a tea-bag and a fresh supply of semi-skimmed...

Wow. Tea and semi-skimmed. You wild boy, bring on the spankings..

Excerpts

I’ve come to the decision today that I'm going to take my tongue ring out for a couple months or so probably, and then when cherie turns 18 were going to get our tongues pierced together. So they will be best friends piercings !!

Yes!! NOTHING screams BFF like matching tongue piercings! If only I had a best friend…anyone?

fuck this shit, i hate blogs. i'll update stuff when you can think it on. that's easie.

Yeah, fuck this shit. By the way, I've been thinking it on...it's time to update.

Yes, that's right. I hate all of you. I want to see your brains ooze out of your ears and onto the pavement.
You know the problem is that no one in high school ever really understood how much I despised them. They never saw the hatred boiling in my eyes. If only they could have seen what was going on in my mind every time I saw them.

I think I should remember his name. I have a feeling he’ll be making a tv appearance some night soon. Probably on the News.

i'm a boring person. really. there's nothing much to say... well, i'm a nerd too. a boring nerd. there are interesting nerds. i'm not one of them.

Self-esteem classes. Check ‘em out.

In honor of my recent bout with an acute upper respiratory infection ("a cold"), I made three public health awareness posters, in .PDF format.

In honour of my recent bout with severe diarrhea, I thoroughly scrubbed the toilet. I guess that's not as creative. It might be a little less neurotic though.

They Say

Familiarity breeds contempt. Nah... I think it breeds comfort. Stupidity breeds contempt. And these folks breed Llamas. Apparently they make great "Guard Pets". Or sweaters, whichever you need more.

*see that Llama up there? He's guarding those sheep. Or goats. Whichever. Hey, I live in the city, what do I know?

And For Something Completely Unrelated To Anything,

I just had to note that Nicole Richie is looking a hell of a lot hotter than her vapid, gawky, scarecrow of a friend does these days.

Most Women Really Puzzle Me

I have to say that I think women are their own worst enemy. A large number of women do one thing and then turn around and say another. Here is a prime example.

A college here in Ontario held a pub night. They made a brilliant decision to hold a "Playboy" theme night. Naturally, many of the girls dressed up full tilt bunny. Now I personally question the brains of the administration who thought a sexually suggestive pub night (which of course involves excess drinking, 19 year olds with poor judgement and girls who are nearly naked) was a stroke of genius, and so did a journalism student at the school. She asked some of the girl's if she could photograph them, disclosing that she was a reporter for the school paper. Said girls posed as seen above. The photos were printed with their faces pixelated. Here's where it gets assinine. Apparently it is now a big controversy, with the higher ups censoring the photos completely, and not allowing the photos to accompany the school's webcast news report. One of the girls in the photo said:

"It just was not appropriate," worrying about the impact the pictures would have on her reputation.

In the context of the night, at a student pub with other women competing for the title of best-dressed bunny, she said her outfit was appropriate.

"People should be more mature and realize it's a theme night." The 19-year-old was mortified when the "unflattering" photos showed on campus. She was also worried that her costume was distinctive enough to make her indentifiable anyway (ummm... duh, that was the idea, no?)

And there's the rub. The girl felt the photos were "unflattering". Come on, honey. Let's talk about who needs to be mature here. If you are going to go in public with your ass hanging out, fine. I'm all for freedom of expression. But if you are going to turn around and worry about your reputation after the fact, and have a problem with it because you didn't like the photo you posed for willingly, you are a dumb twit. I am willing to bet there are far worse photos of you on dozens of camera phones RIGHT NOW from the very same night.

And that is my problem with women. Follow through on what you do. If you don't care about your "reputation" when you are drunk at a pub and have your ass hanging out, don't care about it after the fact. If you do care about it after the fact, maybe you should question your drinking. Please don't perpetrate the idea that women are idiots who want to do one thing and expect another. It's irritating, mindless and makes you look like a bigger fool than you did in your bunny costume. Either own your sexuality, or realize you are not mature enough to try to yet.

And that's my rant for today.

O.K.

I did a little "pen to paper" writing, muddled through an eventful weekend at work, and I think I'm ready to pay attention to the blog again. I'm sure by tomorrow morning something stupid will have occurred worth talking about.

I'm In One Of My Moods

that means one of two things. I will either not bother writing here for a day or so, or I will start writing lots.

Right now, I'm thinking the first choice is more likely.

Mincemeat

used to be made of meat, but now is just made of some gross raisin shit. I had to get up at 8:30 to let you know this, because it was bothering me.

I fee better now.

Arrr Mateys!

I remember how when my sister was about 5 or 6 she had to wear an eyepatch for a lazy eye. This followed a stint wearing some big ass glasses. We used to call her the google eye retard pirate.

We also told her she was adopted from China (the proof of course was in the rather asian looking baby photo of her from the hospital). This story was later revised to an accidental baby swap. I suppose compassion is in short supply in childhood.

Now we just call her Jilldo.

Tampax

told me on tv today that the WORST thing, the thing more terrible than embarrassment itself is leakage.

I had always envisioned multi vehicle pileups involving oil tankers, your car stalling on the train tracks or aircraft with drunken pilots as being pretty damn awful. I wouldn't overlook cancer or burning in a fire either. Now I learn that it's something much more terrible I should fear.



I'm thankful to Tampax for clearing that up for me.

Is There Any Good Reason

why alarm systems can't just blare out loud ONLY at the person to whom the blaring matters? If you've got a clickie thingie to shut the damn alarm off, then you should be the only one to hear the irritating whine at 5 am. Seriously, nobody else gives a crap about your car. They really don't. In fact, I care so little, I was already mentally calculating how many throwable and heavy items I had around the house when you finally shut that shit down.

Coors Light

Is girl beer. Having said that, what is with the inane advert running where you and 3 buddies can go to Vegas if you find some stupid poker chip in your case? The whole ad directly targets men, and the only women in sight are wiggle walking arm in arm or dancing provocatively. It's interesting then, because honestly, only a pussy man would drink Coors LIGHT, and I don't mean that in the "hunting down" pussy sense. I mean what... are you afraid your ass will get big if you drink regular beer?

I could not date a Coors Light man. Crap, even I won't drink that crud.

Today

I will eat chinese food for breakfast.

Booze

is good because it makes people do the stupid things you tell them to.

*Yeah I taped it sideways. I never said I was a genius.

It's The Mario

O.K.  The Mario was really starting to get on my nerves. 
If you really need to see it, click Here.

I Really Just Had To Share This...

Fuck... I HATE Monkeys! Yes, Hate is a strong word, but in this case, not strong enough.



They are the creepiest things, I mean with their human eyes staring at you looking all intelligent and shit, and then there's their nasty long arms and fingers, all bony and strong, and they seem like they are fast and can certainly swing around on things and jump on you.

If we evolved from Monkeys, why did some get left behind? These are the ones to fear.

Now Sea Monkeys, there was a time I could have really got down with them. Unfortunately, one day when I was about 11 I finally got my Sea Monkeys and they didn't look anything like this:



Instead they were these nearly microscopic white buglike, shrimplike things ( I guess they really are some form of shrimp) that looked like this:



and really that is pretty creepy too and it completely disillusioned me about all those great 10 cent products you could buy in the back of your comic books.

The New Job Market?

So I heard this ad on the radio yesterday, it was for a "Youth" job placement firm for ages 14-29. The ad was trying to appeal to the "hip" sensibilities of today's youth by listing all the things you should not be doing after the age of 29. Things like showing your midriff, sending text messages etc.

All I could think was "these are the issues for the youth today, or rather how they make fun of the "elderly"? By stating they should not be showing their midriff?" I think maybe they should be wondering why 29 year olds and 14 year olds are competing for the SAME jobs. That seems to be a larger concern if you ask me.

Oh, and when did the term youth extend to include someone on the verge of 30? Shit, what a fucked up society. Sorry dude, but if you need the same assistance finding work as a 14 year old does, you better be retarded or something.

Blogging As Porn or I like To Watch (And Read!)

Blogging is kind of pornographic; a combination of words and imagery that while not so blatantly sexual as a video, opens the door to fantasy to a wide audience of men and women. Blogging is as deceptive in what it depicts and as honest in what it depicts as pornography; the viewer is free to interpret it as they wish. The peddling of one's persona via blogging is, I suppose, pornographic in a sense as per these definitions, as many blogs incorporate at least one of them:

1. Sexually explicit pictures, writing, or other material whose primary purpose is to cause sexual arousal.
2. The presentation or production of this material.
3. Lurid or sensational material.

What is it about people using themselves, portraying themselves as they wish that makes other people so angry? Angry enough that they will comment vocally and rudely as though the writer has caused them personal harm? Is this strictly the domain of the female? Men do seem less likely to use words and social standing (virgin vs. whore, etc.) as means of tearing someone else down.

Let me rephrase that. Men do not tend to use this tactic against other men. Both men and women will use this tactic against women. Passive female sexuality (the model, the actress) is deemed relatively acceptable, I guess because the sexuality is not explicitly accepted by the woman, but is presented in the context of selling something or presenting a story and hey, if you get turned on nobody said that was supposed to happen! I guess that is where coy behaviour in women originates, with this idea that sexuality is something to be coerced out of a woman, not something that is innately there.

Are you a whore? A slut? A skank? A bitch? Trashy? Think about how these terms actually mean so little in reality in regards to the person they are used to describe, yet tell so much about the mind of the person who uses them.

In terms of blogging, I suppose part of what angers some people is it's sheer accessibility and the fact that it is relatively anonymous. It gives people the courage to put themselves out there, and we as humans (and especially as women) are not supposed to do that, or even want to, really.

Oh No, Cleavage!

So now I have committed almost the perfect crime against Feminism (or so some would have you believe) by posting an image that:

a. Shows cleavage
b. Hardly shows my face at all, thereby removing any specific identity and making me an object
c. clearly was taken to display the body not the mind or personality.

I say BULLSHIT! In actuality, I will post whatever pictures of myself I want because I am in control of my OWN image. And that, is feminism.

Well they had 12 sacks

And they ran sack races ,
And they fell on their backs
and they fell on their faces ,
The ladybugs twelve ,
At the ladybugs' picnic...



*Yeah, the other 8 were actually too "cool" to participate in something as babyish and church social-like as sack racing and decided to go puff a J in the woods instead.

Football, Rohypnol and Date Rape, Oh My!

Yahoo had this image in one of their ads for college sports broadcasts. Umm, yeah. I can see that mummy and daddy's money is being put to great use Mighty Red and Yolk Boy.

Yep

This dude really sums it all up for you. Sports

I Would Kill You

for a cigarette right now.

I Was Thinking About How

I've actually done all sorts of fairly awful things and quite a few mildly terrible things and even the odd slightly unethical thing and yet at times I am very conscious of being GOOD. Why am I telling you this? Because it makes me crazy. I really believe that the world goes around a whole hell of a lot better if you don't have a fucking conscience burbling away in the background all the time. I am envious of only two groups of people in this world. Those without conscience and those without shame. I suppose occasionally I am envious of those without intelligence too, they always seem pretty happy.

I've been feeling too stressed out and serious lately. I basically work and hang at home and I think it's starting to turn me weird. Not weird in an "I think I'll find religion" way, but weird in a "you know, I really don't mind never seeing anyone socially" way.

O.K. Just thought I'd fill you in. Actually, this post is probably more for my friends who really only associate with me these days via this blog. I'm still around. My next posts will revert back to the typical nonsense that fills this space. Unless I get carted away for a "sabbatical".

Dear Diary,

OK Before you look at this I NEED to know: Why do so many people end up on this page? This is an OLD post... and not very interesting. Go ON click on the blog name up top and try reading some of the newer posts. OH and somebody, please answer my question.. how are you all ending up here on THIS page? ok, back to the original post.

Why was I such a Dillhole?



Ah, the trials of grade 7.

Once

we threw rocks into the neighbour's pool because we were bored. It was an above ground pool, so that wasn't really a very good idea. They were big rocks and damaged the pool somehow. They might have even been bricks. All I remember about that was the guy coming out yelling "Eh, la..." followed by a lot of french swearing.

I think I actually got spanked for that. By the way, this didn't happen recently.